Everything happening in your life is a reflection of what is going on within you!

This is so hard to believe.  I know because I battle with this idea all the time.  I blame the other person or persons for every obstacle I have to face.  I blame my circumstances and the environment and make all kinds of excuses and reasons why I cannot and could not have contributed to my present and past situation(s).  On the other hand, I readily take credit for the good things that come my way.  I claim a 100% credit for all the successful outcomes in my life and scarcely ever think of all the people that could have contributed to my success story!  That is simply being human and yet, I have recently learned that everything happening in my life is a reflection of what is going on within me.  My thoughts about myself, conscious and subconscious all contribute to both the way I experience life as well as my experiences in life.

I attended a workshop about a week ago organised and ran by a well-known TA Trainer and Psychotherapist, Ken Mellor on “Expanding in Spirit”.  The last part of the workshop emphasized the importance of using every situation and experience in life to get to know ourselves better; a way to discover who we are and most of all as an indicator that we still need to dig deeper to learn what the situation is teaching us about ourselves as a person.  This is crucial for people who really want to know who they are and since I am one of those people, I decided to put it to the test.  His advice was that we see past the situation/problem/circumstance and look within to find out how we attracted and became part of the experience.

I followed his advise and did just that!  In fact, I took the advice literally and decided to explore what I could learn about myself.  My first test was to find out the ways in which I was contributing to some complaints made re my person and my work.  It was a difficult choice considering that the same complaint had been made more than once by my colleagues to my supervisor.  It was definitely difficult getting past the thought that my co-workers disliked me because I was “different” and did things differently and that because of this supposed dislike for me they would make up all kinds of negative stories about me!  I am that important right?  There was my ego completely inflated to the max that I could barely see past this idea that they had it in for me; and would do or say anything to bring me down; that I was right and they were completely wrong in their judgement of me.  I spent so much energy figuring out how I could convince them to see and do things my way.  I tried minimally to change my attitude and way of thinking but still found myself thinking, there must be something wrong with them if they cannot see things the way I see them!

The complaints about how I did my job within the team simply would not go away and when for the third time my supervisor brought it up I boldly and fearlessly said, “well, as long as my conscience is clear and those complaining are unable to come up with concrete examples of the unacceptable actions they are complaining about, I am going to continue doing what I am doing”.  Yet, I could not stop myself from thinking about the complaints and how I could resolve them by resolving the conflict it was causing between me and my colleagues.

I am not saying that some of my colleagues are not really nasty and would sometimes tell little fibs and even big lies just to make themselves look good while painting me and others black!  No, that’s not what I am saying.  You will always have people like that not only at work but in most places;  people who think it is by putting others down that they can become successful and respected.  What I am saying is that, there was and still is something about me, something going on in my thoughts about myself that attracts people, situations and experiences like these.  That part of me was what I was determined to find out.

After long and endless, unsuccessful “thought-full” days, attempting to decipher my contribution to the conflict, I decided the only way forward was to make an official request through my supervisor that my team sat together and openly discuss why some team members felt so strongly opposed to my way of doing things.  None of them had complained to me directly and I felt an open platform with a facilitator will ease the process and also allow me to express my point of view.  I was going to do this by sending an email to my supervisor requesting her to set up such a meeting so we could all clear the air once and for all.  As soon as I got to the point in the email where I was explaining that I felt I had done no wrong and that my way of doing things was right until it was proven otherwise, something clicked in me.  I remembered a childhood experience where I’d been in a similar position.

I remembered and felt the feelings that came with that experience and the decision I’d made at that time as to how I would behave from then on.  At that instant, my behaviour and resistance to change at work all made sense.  I cringed at the thought that all this had been playing out in my life all this while, yet, I was so happy that I finally understood how I could have been attracting some people and situations in my life and most of all that the persistent complaints from my colleagues had pushed me into looking into myself to resolve the conflict.  Needless to say I never sent the email!  Even if I do ask for a team discussion, I will be fully present to negotiate my corner having understood myself better!  I am however, not going to run to my colleagues and declare to them that I finally realised they were somehow right all along!!  Far from it!  I am still keeping some of my ego, thank you very much!!  However, I am confident that as my thoughts and beliefs about myself change, the situation, conflict and relationship with my colleagues will regulate itself positively.

On my part, I am going to do something even harder – re-live those feelings and thoughts and clear them from my system once and for all!  Yes, the hardest part for me is to face the truth about myself and how my false self has been influencing my behaviour and then replace the beliefs and thoughts that created and attracted the situation in the first place with positive thoughts and beliefs.  Painful memories are usually blocked and locked away in our subconscious mind.  Little do we know that they still influence a big chunk of how we live our lives.  The memory that I recalled was an emotionally painful incident which I locked away and hoped that I would never re-live and/or re-experience it.  Unfortunately, I have been subconsciously re-living it with others who replaced the actual people with whom I had the first experience.  I guess I just have to consciously do that now in order to make peace with myself and those who became substitute actors and also unconsciously got involved in the game!  After all I am an adult now with updated data to help me understand and see things differently.

Yes, I will continue to use my experiences, especially those that come in the form of obstacles, as an indicator that there is a blockage of some sort within me (especially in my subconscious mind), that needs to be removed so I can live a fuller life!

We all have our own obstacles in life!  Remember that obstacles, whatever form they take, are not opposing you, but merely and gently re-routing you!  Everything happening in your life is a reflection of what is going on within you!  Rise to the occasion and change your life for the better!

Let's talk TO each other not ABOUT each other

We spend so much time talking about each other instead of talking to each other!  I read this somewhere recently and it got me thinking of all the times I have bitched about others or listened to others bitch about someone else without calling them out on it!  I’ll say we spend so much time talking about each other there is little or no time to talk to each other.  We talk around each other and expect that there will be some changes in the other's behaviour!

Assuming that when we talk about others behind their backs it is usually to criticise or say something negative about them, why is it so easy or easier to do so with others instead of speaking directly to the one concerned?  Why do we find it easier to complain about each other’s behaviour and actions to others except to the person(s) actually involved in the action? I believe we would solve a lot more problems, and create better relationships if we could cultivate the habit of confronting one another with our perceived unacceptable behaviour and actions.  If we learned to speak to the person(s) concerned about issues that concern them, we will be able to resolve the issue(s) there and then.  Well, assuming that, there will be no sparks, accusations and counter accusations flying all over the place!  At least the other person will be aware of what they are supposedly doing that annoys the other and will get the chance to give his/her own side of the story while the complainant will be able express his/her grievance directly to the accused.

Open and honest conversation is also quite therapeutic if we face it with an open mind.  I find that my feelings towards the other person changes only temporarily when I don’t speak directly to them about an issue that involves them.  If I am angry or unhappy with someone and speak to some other person about my discontent, I end up feeling guilty for talking behind their back and at the same time hope that they don’t get to know about it.   At the same time I’ll be hoping that they change their behaviour towards me!  But how is that going to happen when they are not even aware that I have a problem with them.

At work, colleagues sometimes expect new-comers to do their jobs perfectly yet would not directly tell them when they go wrong or fail to pick up the culture of the organisation straight away.

Yes, we don’t really expect that a person changes their ways of thinking and behaving by talking behind their back do we?  Maybe we do!  At least if we are honest, we expect the other person we are talking to about some other person to agree with and confirm our view of the other and possibly contribute some other evidence that corroborates our perception.

On the one hand, we are afraid to hurt the other person by telling them the truth as we see it.  We are also scared of a full blown confrontation.  So we decide to gauge the views of others neutral to the situation.  If they agree with us that the person we are talking about is exactly the way we perceive them to be, we are happy and feel good about ourselves.  That also convinces us that we were right all along and reinforces our belief that there is something wrong with the other person and they need to change.

On the other hand, assuming that we can make others change for us, the person being talked about cannot change if they do not even know what we are thinking and saying about them.  Secondly, the people we are talking to will also be influenced in their perception of the one being discussed.  It is quite difficult to listen to all the stories, good or bad, about someone and remain neutral in our behaviour towards them.  One way or another our interaction with them will be influenced by what we have heard.  We will end up using the frame of reference of others in our interactions with the person spoken about thereby ultimately limiting our experience to theirs.

Talking about each other is quite common in work situations where relationships are not so intimate.  In the hope that their views would be accepted as the best option to take, managers and colleagues constantly talk past each other without listening to or allowing the other person to express their own thoughts and feelings.

It will be refreshing, if we could all make an effort to have a conversation with each other; a conversation where both parties are fully contributing to the discussion.  A conversation where we allow each other to express their thoughts and feelings.  This is the best way we can show respect for each other; the only way we can accept that we are different and therefore can think and feel differently about stuff.

Most of all, let's talk TO each other instead of ABOUT each other!

My Evolving True Self

Some of us live our lives trying so hard to manage the thoughts we think others have about us.  Our lives become guided and directed by what we believe others think, would or might think of us!  We neglect being our True Self because we are so focused on acting according to societal and family demands.  Eventually, we forget what it means to BE ourselves.  This Adapted Self is our Ideal Self, the Self that we project to the rest of the world.  Our Ideal Self is constricted and contracted in awareness and is often in conflict with our Real Self, the individual that we are.  Who we are, our Real Self, is relaxed, comfortable no matter the circumstances or situation we find ourselves in.  Our Real Self is expanded in awareness!

I am often torn between giving myself the satisfaction of expressing my deepest feelings and thoughts and holding back these feelings and thoughts in order to please the other.  More often than not I give into the latter and that often leaves me with a feeling of dissatisfaction and awkwardness.  I do not feel comfortable when I compromise who I am just for the sake of amicability.  Yet, I do compromise most of the time!  But, is it ever proper to simply be one’s self, act and speak your truth the way you think and perceive it and damn the consequences? Can we act whichever way we feel like with little or no regard to the others around us?  What makes us conform to society’s and other people’s norms and values or others’ way of thinking, perceived or otherwise?

Our upbringing and environment conditions us to think, feel and behave in certain ways.  It provides us with the techniques for survival in life which we eventually mistake for the real, authentic way of being.  These techniques for survival, these ways of being are our ego, our false self.  The online Oxford Dictionary defines the Ego as:  “a person’s sense of self esteem or self-importance”.  In Psychoanalysis, “it is that part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity”.  Thus, the type of person that I am, my ego can be observed in my personality.  This thought alone (that my ego can be perceived in personality) provokes an examination of my conscience, not in the light of my True Self but in the light of how well I have been presenting my Ideal Self!  How sad!

There really shouldn’t be any conflict between our Ideal selves and our Real selves if we act out of integrity, integrity being the key word.  Integrity here is defined as the state of being whole and undivided!  Integrity also gives us a feeling of oneness with ourselves.  I would think this feeling of oneness with ourselves, a feeling that also comes with being our real selves would be something to work towards; something to cherish and cultivate.  Yet, it appears it is easier to cultivate our Ideal projected self!

My ego oftentimes, limits and even over-shadows and suppresses the expression of my Authentic Real Self.  Possibly because the ego is the only knowledgeable form of psychological protection I’ve got to regulate my interactions and at the same time feel safe and protected.  I have also in the past, based my choice of jobs and career on what my Ideal Projected Self (my ego) needed and wanted!  I felt ashamed and did not feel comfortable engaging in conversation relating to my work if I perceived it job title and position as not the “it” position by the standards of society or a job for someone of my calibre!  Yet, I never felt happier or more satisfied when I moved to another job perceived by society as a high status job!  Going after certain jobs, behaving and interacting with others in a certain way, was the trusted way I knew how to live my live without provoking conflict or stepping into unknown territory.

Matheson, (1998) points out that the ego unconsciously and automatically regulates and maintains our psychic equilibrium.  He believes the Authentic, Real Self functions as a parallel to the ego.  It does not encompass the ego but uses some of its functions to accomplish its tasks.  That means, if our Ideal Self were to work in collaboration with our Real Self, we would understand and move closer to our Real Self and become the best that we could be.  To achieve this, we would need to step out of our contracted awareness; the awareness that limits us to our beliefs, assumptions and perceptions.  Letting go, or at least questioning these beliefs and assumptions will expand our awareness and perception in life and allow us to have a more fulfilling experience.

Berne’s Ego State Model (1972) suggests that our egos are ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that we have learnt from childhood from our caregivers or parents.  It is also the way we thought, felt and behaved as children.  However, as we grow, we accumulate data, we collect more information that updates what we learned as children.  Consequently, our way of seeing and interacting with others and the world changes with every experience that we have as individuals.

Berne (1972), divided the ego into 3 different ego states (See diagram below).  Each reflects the way one thinks, feels and behaves when they are in that ego state.  For example, we would be thinking, feeling and behaving from a Parent Ego state if we copied a parent figure’s ways of thinking, feeling and believing without questioning the rightness or wrongness of the thought, feeling or belief.  Likewise, we would be in a Child ego state if we acted, felt and thought the same way we did when we were children in a present moment situation.  These ego states are coherent systems of thought and feeling manifested by corresponding patterns of behaviour that are very often unconscious. Yet, our Authentic Real Self can only be expressed if we became consciously aware and spontaneous in our interactions.  In fact, Berne’s characteristics of an autonomous person which he equates to an authentic person, are awareness, spontaneity and intimacy.

Berne’s ego states model as shown in the diagram below, indicates how our ways of thinking, feeling and behaving are influenced moment by moment by the contents of our Parent, Adult and Child (PAC) ego states with the Adult using the Parent and the Child contents to evaluate and decide on the best action to take in the here and now.

Berne's Ego States Model

Adapted from Eric Berne, M.D., 1972

Each ego state contains the historical and biological components of one’s personality.  So, like any other person, I use my ego states to function in society; I use it to relate to myself, others and the environment and the information from all of my 3 ego states influences the ways and means by which I interact and integrate socially.

Unfortunately, this False Self, the ego, is not adaptive to real life.  It is there simply to act as a defence and it does become quite defensive when attacked; it protects us from and against painful feelings and situations.  And as Masterson (1988) points out, it achieves this goal at the cost of mastering reality because the reality is encapsulated in a fixed frame of reference.  It is only by facing and staying with the reality (looking into, staying with and acting from one’s feelings) that one’s True Self begins to develop.  This development begins with awareness of self.  It starts by simply being and connecting with our feelings.  Our bodily feelings will tell us how congruent our actions and thoughts are to our Real Self.  Reflective thinking, after we have connected to our feelings would help us see and accept the reality and often also guides us to a better decision for the future.

One’s Real Self can be defined therefore, by pointing to that sense of self that is experienced as a feeling or a thought; the feeling of anger or peace, sadness or happiness etc.  Exploration of these feelings in our body will lead us to the discovery of our real selves.  For example, actions that do not elicit the intended feelings from us would be an indication that we are not acting from our Real Self.  The Real Self "is the guidance system, that guidance that motivates much of our behavior and keeps that behavior on the appropriate path" (Masterson, 1998).

My True, Authentic Self is synonymous to Berne’s Autonomous Self.  According to Berne, an autonomous person would be one who takes responsibility for everything he or she feels, thinks and believes.  Such a person also either has or develops an ethical system for life - integrity.  Autonomy here is a not a one-stop event but a continuous process that involves the Adult objectively computing and integrating information from his/her Parent and Child in his decision making.  It is only through this continuous process of integration that the Adult stops from being simply an unfeeling data processing machine to being a person (an Integrated Adult) with feelings and ethics.  It is in the process of integration that he/she also acquires technical skills and abilities to use in the future.

We are all unique, special individuals.  The confirmation of our uniqueness can only become evident if we express our Real Selves.  As Masterson, (1988) puts it, “The Real Self keeps us aware of our essential, separate, unique identity and allows us to adapt creatively to changing situations so that we can continue to express the continuity and uniqueness of our identity and feel ‘real’”.  One’s real self is that core self within us that remains the same from one experience to the other.  It is that place from where we recognise that we are worthwhile, competent and that we are “not immune to suffering but capable of withstanding them and growing because of them” (Masterson, 1988).

My True Self exists in the feelings and thoughts that come and go in me; it truly exists when I express these feelings without any filters.  Yet, if I have to live with integrity and still feel authentic, I recognise the need to filter some of these thoughts and feelings through my Adult, to accommodate the feelings of my environment and others.  By consciously integrating the feelings and welfare of the environment and others while connecting to and acting from my own feelings I continue to live authentically.  My integrating Adult does not simply adopt the ways of thinking, feeling and behaving from my Cultural and Critical Parent but consciously questions its injunctions and beliefs and accepts only those that “sit” well with me.  It also allows my creative Child to activate my Adult mind to create whatever is beautiful and enterprising for myself and the universe.

My True Self continues to evolve with every experience.

References

Berne, 1972, What do you say after you say hello?  The Psychology of Human Destiny. Transworld Publishers Ltd, London

Masterson, J F, 1998, The Search for the Real Self, Unmasking the Personality Disorders of our Age, The Free Press, A Division of Simon & Schuster Inc. New York

Growing Old Elegantly & With Vitality

I was recently asked the following question: “What age would you consider someone to be old”.  My answer was and still is, “one is as old as they think and feel”.  My audience then thought my answer and perception in life was childlike and someone even commented that she feels 13 and might just start considering herself 13 years old!

What I didn’t do then was explain what I meant by, “one is as old as they think and feel”.

What does it mean to be old?  Who would be consider as old?  A 2 year old thinks her parents, even when they are as young as 18, are old.  Some 40 year old ladies believe they are old and consider their parents of maybe 60 and above very old.  They hate the wrinkles that have started showing up on their faces and necks and the thought of getting as old as their parents causes anxiety and panic in them.  They are afraid they will catch all the diseases and physical deformities commonly associated with old age – the body wrinkles, the bent back, the wobbly legs, alzheimers etc.

But is this really true?  Does all these diseases and/or physical ailments and deformities automatically come with old age?  How come some people, (and I'm sure you know quite a few), are still very healthy and active at 80 while others look decrepit and wasted at 40?  What is the secret of those who are still elegant, vigorous, hearty and active at 80+?  Could it be the environment they grew up in and/or the environment they now live in?  Could it be their family background or could it just be their personal interpretation of their experiences in life?

Family upbringing and interpretation of life experiences appears to be a more plausible explanation for differences in the way we grow old.   There also appears to be a link between growing old with vitality and one’s life script.

Eric Berne, (1972) suggested that vitality in old age depended heavily on the individual’s life script.  While a person’s physical health and constitutional robustness can be other strong factors that determine the person’s life span, their life script always plays a key role in how active and robust they are in old age.  A crippling illness may be unavoidable but it is welcomed without any resistance, mental or otherwise, because of a script that says the individual can overcome anything.  On the other hand, a debilitating illness like a stroke can also be welcomed as a permanent situation that cannot be overcome for the simple reason that it clears the individual from the unconscious compulsion of following their script.

People with open-ended scripts could easily start vegetating at the age of 40.  People who, for example, take an early pension might have a script that says “Work hard and don’t take any chances” with a pay-off that states “After that, give up” (Berne, 1972).  Such people do not know what to do with their lives after they have achieved this script.  Berne (1972) believed a double-ended script worked better for continuity and robustness into old age.  If someone had an implied or stated injunction from both parents with one taking off where the other ended, it is much more likely that there will be a positive progression and vitality into old age.  For example, a non-verbal injunction from mum that says, “you can’t have a life of your own until you’ve raised 3 kids” with another from dad that says “you can be and do whatever you put your mind to after you’ve raise all your kids”, will give the individual the permission to remain active and robust right into old age.

What is your script saying to you?  What do you think or believe will happen when you grow old?  Do you believe you will be alive and active at 80, 90 or even a 100 and be happy and healthy?  If not, why not?  It’s time to challenge those beliefs about aging!  Give yourself permission to grow old elegantly and with vitality.  Give yourself permission to enjoy life to the fullest!

Games People Play, Subconscious Beliefs & Positive Affirmations

Eric Berne (1964) in his book Games People Play, gave a simple but very clear understanding of the dynamics of relationships.  The psychological games presented in this book offer a deeper understanding of our social interactions, the motives behind these interactions and the ways in which we reinforce our beliefs and positions in life.  According to Berne, although the players might be unaware that they are playing a game, the outcome of the interaction is always predictable.

One of the games that I have played for so long is the “Why Don’t You – Yes, But” game.  In this game I never seem to be quite ready to listen to, receive and execute the suggestions of the other when I request for help.  I might not say it out loud to the person or persons I am interacting with but in my mind I counteract every suggestion with a “Yes, But”, this or that might happen or not happen if I did what you are suggesting.  I come up with a reason and/or excuse for every suggestion.  I might feel positively capable of implementing their suggestion at the time of interaction, and might even consider doing what they suggest but when I actually sit down to do so, all kinds of excuses and reasons not to follow their suggestion(s) creep into my mind.  And so the predictable outcome is that I stay in the same position I was before the interaction.

If you are like me you will find that you don’t really need another person to play this game; that you can play it just as well and even better with yourself.  Your self-talk!

Positive affirmations and underlying beliefs are like “sweatshirts” with a front and a back!  The positive affirmation in front of the sweatshirt is what we want to see happen but at the back of the sweatshirt the subconscious, underlying belief that contradicts the affirmation is printed in big, bold capital letters.  For example, I might have a sweatshirt that reads “I Am Unique and Capable” in front but at the back it says “I Am Not Good Enough”.

I am all for positive affirmations and positive thinking.  However, I recently realised that I feel helpless when I am encouraging someone to think positively and they come back with a response that states their “reality” of the situation.  I feel unable to “rescue” (my favourite drama position) them when this happens!  Then I find myself judging them and asking internally, how they ever expect to change and achieve what they want if they can’t even think right!  This happened so often that I decided to reverse the situation and look at myself.  What was it about them not wanting to think positively or change their ways that was irritating me that much?  They say, that which irritates us in others is usually our projection onto them of who we are.  So what part of me was I projecting onto others?

I found myself stuck with myself, if that makes any sense, and I started looking into Berne’s Games People Play for a solution.  I was doing all the positive affirmations myself, just as I was trying to get others in my circle to do the same, but at the back of my mind I was really believing the opposite and coming up with every excuse as to why things could not change.  Yes, I was already stuck in my beliefs of who I am and could be, so much so that I was not really open to allowing the positive affirmations to take root.

In the past, I thought if I simply continuously made positive affirmations with regards to what I wanted in my life, everything will fall into place and I will eventually get what I wanted in life.  But that was not what was happening in reality.  I had all the positive affirmations I needed and I was very good at coming up with more and expressing them as and when I needed them.  Yet not much was happening by way of reality reflecting my positive affirmations.

So I decided to pinpoint every negative underlying belief that went with my positive statement.  I said to myself, for every positive statement that I had in a particular situation, I would search within to see and stay with any underlying belief that was holding me back.  The intention here was not to reinforce the belief but to question its validity and find out where and why I could have come to such a conclusion. It was disheartening to say the least, to find that I came up with a limiting belief for almost every affirmation I had.

For example, my positive affirmation for getting a better paid job was and still is, “I am the best candidate for this job”.  This affirmation, Instantly provokes my insecurities and much as I try to stay with the affirmation and feel it in my bones, the nagging self doubt and negative beliefs continue to stir up and float on the surface, overshadowing and clouding my best intentions to affirm that I qualify for any higher paid job.  Such negative beliefs come in the form of reasons why I don’t qualify for a job.  They could be reasons like, “of course you don’t know that you are the best”!  “There are definitely others better qualified than you”.  “This job is being advertised out of formality, the company already has an idea of who they want to employ; in fact they already have someone lined up for the job and you are not that person”.  “You haven’t got enough experience to do the job!” “People like you cannot work in such an environment”.  And on and on it goes!

In the past these underlying thoughts and beliefs have actually stopped me from applying for positions that I felt I could competently fill.  I am gradually, consciously learning to cease playing the “Yes, But” game with myself and with others.  It needs a lot of belief in myself accompanied by a strong knowledge of my capabilities and a desire to obtain relevant information on subjects that I will like to improve on, but it is fun to think and act outside the box, my box.  It is also fun to watch myself play the “Yes, But” game with myself with the intention of matching the statements on the front and back of my sweatshirt.  Why don't you give it a try?  No "Yes, But" answers please!

Intention and the Drama/Winner Triangle

The Drama triangle was first introduced by Stephen Karpman in 1986 as a way of explaining the different roles that we choose to play in life.  The way we relate to each other and the roles we choose to play in these relationships are greatly influenced by our personalities and, depending on our conditioning and beliefs, we approach most of our social interactions either as a Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim.  We can and we do switch from one to the other even within a single interaction.  The three roles are intertwined! So when a person changes positions, the other people involved also shift their roles as well.

Thus, every Victim requires a Persecutor and a Rescuer to be a Victim!  A Persecutor is not necessarily a person; it could be a condition like a disease, injury, heart attack etc or a circumstance like a natural disaster in life.

In life we unconsciously act out our beliefs and the messages we received from our childhood care-givers and the environment.  These imbedded messages lead us to take up psychological positions and roles in life which further reinforce our beliefs that are subsequently manifested in the roles we play in life.   Much as it is unbelievable and scary, we do take up life roles and positions quite early on in life and even select our friends, partners and associates to suit these life positions.  For example a person with an imbedded, subconscious belief that men or people are not to be trusted will end up attracting relationships with others that will re-enforce this belief; they will constantly find fault in others.  Their way might appear to be the only way!  When the relationship finally ends because of their nagging, complaints and manipulation, they will conclude, with evidence of course, that they were right all along!  What your mind focuses on, expands!

There was a colleague of mine at work who, at a certain time I strongly felt was “persecuting” me.  From where I was standing, she complained about everything I did or didn’t do!  At that time, I wasted so much energy and time focusing on how badly I was being treated.  I went over and over the different conversations I’d had with her, the different looks she’d given me, the times she ignored me or said something that I felt was an insult to me!  Then I went through what I could have said to her or would say to her if I did speak to her!  I was going to remind her of all the times that she had literally put me down, criticised me in public and made me feel as small as an ant!  I literally worked myself up trying to figure out how I would sort her out; let her know once and for all that I felt persecuted by her and possibly recount all the incidences and evidence that had led me to this conclusion.  But then I thought, would that stop her from persecuting me? In her mind, does she even believe she is persecuting me?  What would I achieve by "antagonising" her? What would I gain by simply recounting to her the times I felt she discounted me? Is it not possible that I was discounting myself all along?  That I had given away my power to speak up for myself and express how I thought, felt and needed?  What would change after this confrontation?  I then decided I would have to approach her and my problem with a different mindset if I wanted my circumstances to change.

Using the drama triangle, I instantly recognised that I had put myself up as a Victim in the above scenario!  A victim who saw my colleague as my persecutor and my only option was to stop her; make her change!  And since it was almost impossible that I could change her, I felt helpless!  What to do?  I had to decide on what I really wanted to achieve by speaking to my colleague and bringing up issues that were in the past.  What was my intention?  Where should my focus be?  Is it her job to make me feel happy at work?  Did I simply want to let her know that she was my Persecutor?  Did I want to approach her as the Victim that I felt I was or was I attempting to rescue her from herself?  What was my intention in having this talk with my colleague?  Most of all, why was I focusing on her behaviour towards me?  Shouldn’t I be looking into how I attracted this into my experience; how my thoughts and feelings about myself created my attitude and behaviour towards her?  Even then it was still easy to see myself as a Victim and simply blame her for every nasty experience I’d had while interacting with her.

Blaming her for her behaviour will make me her Persecutor and her my Victim; trying to rescue her because I believe she is a victim of her unconscious behaviour will not get me far either.  I needed a strategy, a way of letting her know I felt persecuted by her and at the same time find ways in which we could both work harmoniously together.  Should I just be a Persecutor and blame her for her behaviour?  Should I rock that apparent stability at the work place by confronting my demons, speaking up for myself and letting my colleague know she is not as perfect as she thinks she is?  That blaming and criticising others doesn’t make her a better worker or person! This approach will certainly be reinforcing the drama I wanted so much to stop and I would have simply switched positions from Victim to Persecutor! Most of all, is it even necessary to bring up the past?

This sounds so trivial, but imagine yourself going through this same thought process with a couple of people at work!  Imagine the same scenario recurring at home or with most of your relationships with others.  Imagine the anxiety we create out of something so small.  We tend to snowball simple interactions into anxious long-term experiences that we keep falling back on as evidence to torture ourselves and the other.  We create dilemmas where none really existed.  If we had simply just looked into ourselves and noticed what the event triggered in us or why it triggered those emotions and reactions from us we would have realised that it had more to do with our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and others.   But we continue to look outside of ourselves – to people and circumstances - for our sense of safety and security.  We continue to believe that our happiness and sense of self is determined by what happens to us; that it depends on the actions and behaviours of others and our environment.  As Victims we refuse to see what the situation is teaching us about ourselves and continue to focus on the “problem” – the other person, the situation or circumstances.

As a Victim, I can be “defensive, submissive, over-accommodating to others, passive-aggressive in conflict, dependent on others for self-worth, overly sensitive and even manipulative” (Emerald, 2012).  As a victim in the above scenario, I appeared to fit into every one of these categories. I was defensive and totally declined to admit even to myself that I had in some way been over-accommodating to the point where I could not express my thoughts during conversations.  I felt sad when I realised this especially as I always thought of myself as being strong, understanding and open!  I felt even sadder just thinking of the possibility that the energy I was bringing to my interactions at work was that of a Victim!  It was hard to acknowledge that I was helpless, out of control and unable to change things for the better.  Could I have also been believing and owning all these negative characteristics and consequently manifesting them in other interactions in my life?  Whatever we hold in my mind tends to manifest itself.  As Jon-Kabat Zinn puts it, "wherever you go, there you are"!

I realised that almost all of my thoughts and actions had been focused on what was being done to me and how I could fix it.  Fixing it meant the problem was out there.  It meant me trying harder and harder to be and act in certain ways that I thought would be acceptable to my colleagues.  They also, if I had anything to do with it, would be manipulated into behaving in specific ways just so I would feel secure and happy.  My intention all along was to create and experience a harmonious work place.  I thought I could only do this by focusing on and adapting my behaviour and where possible the behaviour of others! I didn't even think of what that work environment would look like; what would I be creating?  I now know, however, that I can’t achieve that harmonious working environment from a place of drama – especially not as a Victim!

So what was the vision or outcome I envisioned for my future interactions with my colleague and others at work?  How was I going to change the dynamics at work to better enhance my experience?  What did I want to create from this experience?  I had to re-evaluate my intentions for interactions and the ways and means of communicating and achieving them.  Were my intentions to get rid of and away from my perceived problems, i.e. the person who I saw as persecuting me or was it to create a better, clearer vision and/or outcome for myself and others?  Where was I focusing my attention?  On my problems or on clearly perceived visions? Is the intention to change others so I can feel better about myself or is it really create harmony at work?  If it is to create harmony at work, how would it help me if I focused on undermining who the other person is?  Also, do I need to be someone else in order to achieve this?

All good thinking but then I noticed that because I had been so good at focusing on my problems in my Victim position, it wasn't that easy to see through the problem into the solution – the vision and outcome from the problem.  I could explain in detail, what I didn’t want but found it so hard to know what I wanted.  It shouldn’t be difficult, right?  Knowing what you don’t want should automatically lead you into knowing what you do want!  I’d become so hyper-vigilant around this colleague, always anticipating the next problem when interacting with her that all I could see in this situation were problems. She was my Persecutor, full stop!

Yet, I had a choice about how to relate to those experiences, however difficult or painful the present, past or future experience is, was or would be.  If I however identified myself as a victim, my choices would be greatly limited!

Instead of seeing myself as and staying a Victim, I needed to switch to being a Creator.  But what could I create from this situation.  The fear of upsetting the whole dynamic at my work place and creating a completely new culture just to please my instincts and feelings was scary.  However, if I had to feel good about myself, I needed to listen to my true self.  I needed to address the issue now so as to avoid it happening again and also to create a deeper, soothing space within.

But how do I achieve this outcome?  First of all I needed to focus my attention on what I wanted to achieve.  In the victim position, I’d learned so well to focus on the problem.  It would take a while before I get results but by doing ordinary, daily stuff like having a conversation with a colleague instead of with myself, being more informed about stuff before acting, I would achieve my goal in the long run.  In the past I’d been afraid of conversations and had jumped to conclusions and acted based on these ill-informed conclusions!  In my Victim position I’d hoped that the other person will “just know” what I was thinking and feeling and the problem would resolve itself.  Other times, I had been moody and withdrawn soon after I felt I was being persecuted!  What a shame!  All that time wasted when I could have been focusing on being a Creator and not a Victim!  I could have focused my intention on learning about myself from each interaction and growing from the experience.

Yes, I had to re-evaluate my intentions and focus on what I wanted to create for myself and others I interacted with.  This has been my guiding light each time I had a conflict to resolve, be it at work or at home. Intention, intention!  No more drama!  You will get drama if you focus on playing the role of Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim! (That's not to say that these roles are not legitimate and realistic at times - that's a completely different write up for some other time)!  However, if you recognise that you can be and are Vulnerable at times, you will learn from this vulnerability to create what you want from it.  In the same way, instead of picking on others' fault, you can opt to be assertive and challenge any behaviour you feel is not appropriate at work.  The Rescuer instead of rescuing everyone they feel incapable of doing a job, could instead opt to be just as caring by coaching their perceived Victim(s). It is all about not getting hooked into the drama!

The Need to Connect and Belong That Keeps Us Apart

Have you ever thought that your “need” to belong might be keeping you from belonging?  That restricting yourself to particular groups, people and relationships is limiting your freedom to belong?

Could it be that the need to belong is simply an inner desire to be accepted and valued; a camouflage for feelings of worthlessness. Yet, self-value, self-worth, and self-esteem cannot come as a result of being right or by identifying with those who agree with us or are “similar” to us. It must come from knowing who we are from within and feeling good about it.

We are all dying to connect and belong yet we find it such hard work to balance creating and living a fulfilled successful life with lasting connections that validate us as valued human beings.

From the word go, our different belief systems, cultural and parental upbringing separates us from each other, yet if we were to see these differences in beliefs simply as different guidelines to living life the best way we each can, we would be more intrigued and curious to know and experience more about them.

Every child is born into the religion of “nature” but its parents make it a Jew, a Christian, a Moslem etc and that makes us see things differently. As Lao Tzu, the spiritual Chinese sage said, “the broadminded see the truth in different religions; the narrow-minded see only their differences”.

Are our thoughts and beliefs our own or are they those of our parents and society?  As babies and toddlers we limit our relational environment to our parents and carers out of necessity; we need taken care of!  Yet at this early stage in life, we are more adventurous in our discovery of our surrounding objects and environment because we feel safe in the presence of the persons we have attached to.

Encircled by our supportive, caring and loving carers, we believe we know who we are and events and interactions are predictable and comfortable.  However as we grow “bigger” and older and “feel” separate from them, everything and everybody appears to be rapidly, unpredictably changing.  We are forced to adjust and adapt to this ever-changing environment with only our learned experiences and emotions to guide us.

And so we use the many injunctions from our earlier life plus our own created experiential beliefs and drivers as our sound board to propel us through life events and assist us in creating and managing a life of our own.  Unfortunately, these beliefs do not take into consideration our feelings and emotions!

Later in life, we continue to use parental injunctions as guidelines to make friends and associate with other like-minded people and groups; after all these, together with our drivers are the only functional guides we know.

The dilemma to belong or not to belong comes to a head when our free child wants to belong to a group that our cultural parent clearly disapproves of.  Do we allow the emotions of the child to take care of the now or the thoughts and beliefs of the parent to take care of the future?

Our parental and communal beliefs are the strong foundations to how we perceive events and interact in society.  They regulate which groups we belong to, the relationships we create and how we interact in our relationships.  So how come that we are still not “completely” content in our consciously selected groups and relationships?  Clearly, these guidelines, criteria or whatever we choose to call them are not fully working!  Why do we still have to work so hard to feel accepted even within our chosen groups?  And why do we sometimes believe we can only be happy if we “belong”?

Lao Tzu said and I quote:  “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be”.  Non-attachment, especially to one’s self image, is a necessity for personal change.  In order to grow, we need to be open to change and new possibilities.  Using limiting beliefs to decide who we associate with will separate us from more exciting and interesting groups and people and limit our personal growth?

We attach our thoughts and concepts to what is acceptable or unacceptable!  Our interpretations of life situations are simply our personal thoughts, beliefs and concepts and we all are entitled to our personal interpretations of events.  Beliefs are deep rooted guidelines that programme our behaviour and provide some kind of safety to our experiences; our belief structures govern our living experience.  But don’t we want more; don’t we just yearn for other exciting experiences?  Don’t we want to see the world from another perspective?

We need to breakthrough our limiting beliefs in order to experience an unlimited potential of creativity, autonomy, freedom and why not happiness!  Only then can we reach our full growth as human beings.  Only then can we become self-actualised!  We can only evolve and change through the people we interact with!  Limiting this change simply to comfortable interactions does not allow for much change if any.

As Byron Katie puts it: “We don’t attach to people or to things; we attach to un-investigated concepts that we believe to be true in the moment”. (Byron Katie, 2002, Loving What Is)  She suggests that we not only inquire as to the truthfulness of our thoughts but that we also consider who we would be without those thoughts?  We would definitely be interacting differently!

Thoughts precede physical manifestation.  Relinquishing, letting go of fixed thoughts and beliefs might just be a way of freely allowing our emotions to express themselves in a positive, adult environment.  

The need to grow and contribute should propel us to seek out diverse groups and interactions.  Yes, we feel validated when we are around others with similar experiences but we need to use the loving feelings and experiences we get from these groups as a springboard, a support system that takes us out into greater, bigger and unpredictable experiences.

In the spirit of oneness, let’s take care of that need to belong that keeps us apart!

(Article was first published in the June issue of the Scottish Transactional Analysis Association, (STAA) June issue)

Making Friends & Self Love

I had a profound conversation with my son a couple of weeks ago.  He expressed his sadness as to how his mates were treating him.  He felt he was not accepted by them and no matter how much he tried to integrate and belong in their groups, they constantly ignored him and acted like he did not exist.

I listened to him with a deep pain inside my stomach area.  I could not tell him how sad I was to discover that he felt that way and that he was going through such a painful experience.  Deep down I wished I could do something to instantly take away the pain and frustration he was feeling and expressing.  I also wished I could do something to those bullies, which is what they are, to make them change to caring, loving people.  

Yet, I realised I really couldn’t do anything to change the experience of either my son or his mates.  I could hope and pray that they all learn from their experiences and come out sooner rather than later, feeling stronger and happier than before.

As much as we cannot change others just so we can have better, more joyful life experiences, we can accept that we are all different and at different conscious levels in our journey back to source.

I was particularly sad to listen to my son complain about the way he perceived his mates’ behaviour because I had had very similar experiences.  I felt guilty that I had unconsciously passed on my own fears and negative beliefs about myself onto him; that my subconscious beliefs regarding my self-worth had rubbed off on him through my behaviour towards him, others and the environment.

I asked my son why he felt he needed to socialise with mates like that; why did he feel the need to belong to people who clearly did not value him as a person, a human being?  What was it about them that made him feel the need to be with them?  I wondered whether he had accepted himself, just the way he was or did he feel by belonging in a particular group or by selectively choosing who would be his friends will help him value himself more.  Yes, the people and everything else that we call around ourselves is a reflection of what we haven’t yet understood about ourselves.

I noticed that he did not respond to any of the above questions yet I was hoping that in his private moments, he would seriously think about the answers to those questions and internalise the answers.

I went on to tell him that each one of us was a unique being living a life of purpose and that it was only by loving and accepting who we really are that we could live purposefully.  I suggested that instead of focusing on his perceived nasty behaviour of his mates towards him, he could focus on loving and accepting himself just the way he is.  None of us is perfect, yet if we accept and love ourselves with our flaws and all and go about our daily lives with the confidence that in-spite of our flaws we are worthy and loving, we shall attract the same love and respect from others.

It took me a long while to come to this conclusion.  A phase that included me shifting and changing my ways of thinking and behaving simply to attract and keep certain people in my life; people that I thought would be worth having and keeping as friends.  And of course, they were subconsciously aware of my “shifting behaviour” and took advantage of it until they felt I couldn’t morph into any other shape or thing that they would be beneficial to them!  What a shame!  I could have just been “me”, insisted on being “me” and attracted those who loved “me” for me.

So what if people don’t like me?  Do I like, love and accept me?  How do I expect others to love and accept me if I don’t and can’t love and accept me?  It is like a sales person trying to force some rotten, smelly product onto a buyer!  Yes, just dump it on them and escape before they find out how rotten it is.  Or better still, if they do accept and buy the product, then the chances are it is not that bad and therefore I can relax and mingle. Relax and mingle for how long?

We cannot allow others to decide who or how valuable we are.  That decision is ours to individually make and maintain.  At the same time we need to monitor ourselves to see how our behaviour to see how it is affecting someone else’s life.

Spirituality and Transactional Analysis

I am intrigued as to how similar and complementary, Transactional Analysis (TA) and spirituality is and will like to put out some ideas and thoughts for discussion.

Spirituality and the TA paradigm

Spirituality is sometimes seen as the divine consciousness that leads to unity consciousness; unity consciousness being the feelings and thoughts that make us feel connected and loved.   Spirituality gives me a sense of self that is worthy and important as an individual and yet connected to and supported by the rest of the universe.  Spirit-uality often reminds me of that powerful intelligence that quietly works in the background to regulate and adapt to changes within me and around me. It is the intelligence that created and formed me in my mother's womb; the intelligence that guides, protects and keeps me alive moment by moment.  In spirituality, I feel the sense of an intelligence, a collective consciousness that supports me as an individual in my quest to achieve my highest potential.

TA processes the collective and individual beliefs that influence a person’s way of thinking, feeling and behaving.  The theories in TA emphasise that our early experiences determine how we perceive and interpret life and the events that happened and are happening to us.  Our beliefs about life are mostly influenced by our parents and/or caregivers in early childhood.  In later life our Adult ego state, processes the injunctions from our parents and the beliefs and decisions arrived at in and from our “Child” ego state.  The Parent and Child ego states are influenced by a collective consciousness – what society and culture professes as good or bad.

TA’s main psychological paradigm is that everyone is ok, “I’m Ok You’re Ok” and that as long as one can think, one can also change.  Through this principle of "I'm Ok, You're Ok", it advocates the total acceptance of the individual self and the other and promotes the mental attitude of equality, understood through one's upbringing and developmental processes.  We are connected by and through the same intelligence that formed us and continues to form and protect us, yet we are different and unique because of the conditioning from our cultures, parents, peer groups and society.

Similarities in Theories

I regard TA as the practical guide and support to Spirituality.  TA theories take me to that place where I can individually identify the beliefs and thoughts that led me to behave and think the way I do - my upbringing that includes my background, cultural, family conditioning.  I can only question and challenge my thoughts and beliefs, which are limited to the environment in which I grew up, by identifying and becoming aware of my learned thoughts, feelings and behaviours.  Only then can I seek out and use current and updated information to change those thoughts, beliefs and behaviour.

My life scripts, those unconscious decisions I made about life and how best I could live it, requires me to play games to reinforce my unconscious beliefs and perceptions of life by orchestrating and/or getting hooked into the same or similar experiences.  In my daily interactions my rackets are activated by the events and relationships that stimulate my scripts and reinforce my beliefs.  Spiritual leader Caroline Myss uses the term “Woundology”*  to describe, what I believe is life scripts, games and rackets.   "Woundology” is when people use their “wounds”, bad experiences and/or traumas to identify with certain groups and people.  She explains that we also use our “wounds” to identify and align with our personality and with those with similar views on life.   “Woundology”, keeps us stuck with the same group of people because the group members have had similar experiences; it feels comfortable to be part of the group because members have common themes and topics to discuss.  In such groups rackets, games and racket feelings are positively high and conversations can go on almost indefinitely.  “Woundology” justifies our life scripts and explains our present status and situation in life.

Eckhart Tolle, a prominent spiritual leader, talks of the “pain body”**; the subconscious experiences that subconsciously direct our actions and reactions to life and events.   Eckhart Tolle’s pain body is caused by the bad experiences and wounds that we accumulate through the years.  We feel comfortable attracting events and interactions that strengthen our pain bodies.  The pain body is easily triggered by events or situations similar to those that caused them in the first place.  Pain bodies are easily activated and kept active in close and intimate relationships because it is easier to use our close relatives and friends to reactivate and keep the pain body active.  The pain body like racket feelings keep us “comfortable” and justifies our view of the world.  It also justifies and strengthens our life scripts and possibly symbiotic relationships.

One of my favourite mindfulness teachers, Thich Nhat Hanh, writes and I quote:  “People have a hard time letting go of their suffering.  Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”***

Originating from Buddhism, mindfulness is another way of achieving inner peace.  Mindfulness is the art of being in the present moment; being in touch with our feelings, thoughts as well as being observant, empathetic and in tune with the feelings of the other or others in our presence.  In TA terms, this would mean being in our Adult at all times and reacting and processing only the information, thoughts, feelings of the present moment.  Past experiences might be influencing our feelings and thoughts but we use up-to-date information to process and interact with the other.  “Life is available only in the present moment.”**** 

Gary Zukav talks of authentic partnerships.  He explains that authentic or spiritual partnerships are open, honest and truthful relationships.  The only way, according to Zukav that we can express our authentic selves and achieve inner peace is by having and cultivating authentic relationships.   As in TA, Zukav’s authentic self includes feelings, emotions, thoughts and beliefs that cause us to behave and interact in certain ways.  When we express these from our Adult and in an Adult transaction we gain and maintain authentic power and inner peace.

Complementary

We need a lot more than the understanding of our past experiences to be able to stay present and think and act continuously in our Adult.  Our life script, in-bedded in our subconscious mind, subconsciously pushes us to act and be in certain ways.  TA identifies the past experiences that make us react in certain ways.  However we need something more to help us speak and behave appropriately in the moment.  Something deeper that leads us to simply “be” and be ok.  Spirituality explains this way of “being”.  An inner peace; a knowing that cannot be explained and yet can be experienced.  TA gives us some of the tools to get to that spiritual place where we can say with conviction that we are all ok – I am ok, You are ok.

Lastly my thought for the day is from Thich Nhat Hahn:  “When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.”***

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*Caroline Myss, Why People Don’t Heal And How They Can, Bantam Books, 1998

**Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Hodder Paperbacks, 2001  and A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, Penguin Group, 2005

***Thich Nhat Hanh, Taming the Tiger Within: Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions, Riverhead Books, US, 2005

****Gary Zukav, Spiritual Partnerships, The Journey to Authentic Power

***Thich Nhat Hanh, ibid