In a culture where listening to each other is not cultivated, bullying can easily become the way to get what we want.  And unfortunately, for some of us, there is that belief deep within us, that this is our only means of getting what we want, leading us to quietly manipulate and harass others into giving us what we want.  This behaviour in turn is reinforced each time we succeed in getting our way through intimidation or manipulation.

 

Bullying can be so subtle and pervasive, that the person being bullied ends up not even sure if he/she was bullied or not.  That is because any form of manipulation or intimidation, slowly but surely chips away our self-confidence and replaces it with thoughts of self-doubt and self-worth.

 

In a setting, like a work environment, where our competitive nature is triggered, it is very easy for our unconscious bias to run amuck, preventing us to listen to others’ perspectives, ideas and views and instead, talk others down and bully them into seeing and doing things our way.

 

I had a recent encounter with someone that prompted me to re-evaluate the way I interact with others.  This particular interaction was one where I made a request and the other person immediately became very much passively aggressive and basically tried to intimidate me into agreeing with their point of view.  At the time I didn’t label it as bullying but the more I think about it in the context in which my request was made, the more I think there was some form of intimidation and possibly bullying going on.  From my point of view, this person attempted in their response to my request, to induce fear in me and subsequently stop me from asking for and having what I was requesting for.

 

Upon reflecting on this incident, I began to notice a pattern of situations whereby I had crumbled and given up on following through with my requests for my needs to be met because I felt intimidated and compelled by others’ attitudes and behavioural response to my requests to the point where I recoiled and stopped the process of seeking to have my needs met.  I realised that in all of these incidents, I felt, even though I couldn’t put a finger on it, that there was something not right.  I was also unable to come up with a different, workable plan to get my needs met, though my thinking mind.  My needs were not met and I struggled communicating the ‘need’ to the other person or persons in a way that they would hear and interact with me so we could both come to a win-win conclusion and solution.

 

This further led me to reflect on my intention at the time my request in each scenario was made.  Was my request genuine or was it simply an indirect way of imposing my views and position on the matter?  Was my intention simply my way to show that I had rights that needed to be respected?  Had I in anyway also attempted to bully the other person to give me what I wanted?  Or was my request simply not heard the way I had intended it to be heard?  

 

What did I say with my words/voice and attitude and what did the other person hear?  Was there a disconnect in the interaction and if so, at what point in our interaction did the disconnect happen?  

 

I believe, we can often unintentionally, come across as intimidating when our intention does not align with our spoken, expressed and communicated message.  It is possible for us to unintentionally create a disconnect with each other when we speak with the intention to be accepted, respected or agreed with; when our focus is what we want and should get from the other.  On the other hand, becoming aware of our intention and aligning this with our spoken words will reduce bullying attitudes and behaviour. Also, the chances of a disconnect occurring in our interactions will be greatly reduced in situations where the foundation of our communication is built on what is important to the other, as we would most probably be speaking to the position already taken by the other thereby communicating our message in a way that will make them listen.

 Intimidation/Bullying/Competitive Spirit

There is something good in everyone of us, something that others value, love and respect. If we search for and build on these qualities, the chances of connecting to listen and support each other will be very high and bullying and intimidation will no longer be needed as a means to getting our needs met!

 

I also believe that most bullies tend to manipulate and intimidate others from a place of insecurity.  They are often very insecure and afraid of losing something.  These are usually people whose self-image is tied to a particular ego and position in life and who unconsciously, feel the need to continuously fight to maintain that self-image and position.

 

Yet, the person being bullied will be affected by the bully only to the extent in which their own ego and self-image is affected.  Acknowledging that the bully cannot usurp your talent, gift or knowledge; that your worth and self-esteem does not diminish simply because another person refuses to acknowledge and respect you, can help you see the bully for who they are – frightened, insecure and in need of much love.

 

Next time when you are tempted to force, coerce, intimidate or compel another by bullying them into taking a certain action or agreeing to a specific point of view, remember that there are positive ways of achieving the same results; results that will probably last longer because you would built a strong connection in the process. On the other hand, if you are the one being bullied, remember that you are also responsible in part, by the way you interact and communicate with others.  Be sure your verbal and non-verbal communication is aligned with your intention to avoid being mis-heard!

Is it possible to create a drama-free ending to our scripts?

You often hear people in conversations, state that a relation “is not a very nice person”; or “was not a good mother/father”, thus implying that, from their experience and point of view, certain individuals tasked with certain roles in their lives, were not and/or have not carried out their roles responsibly and according to their expectations.  Without disagreeing and/or questioning their interpretation of their experience, I invite you to look beyond your own story with the intention of modifying your script.

There are certain childhood memories that are still very vivid in our minds.  Memories that invite us to live through the drama, mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically.  We tell our story to ourselves to reinforce our belief that the other person is to be blamed for whatever is happening to us now.  We portray ourselves as the victim of that story, which by the way, only lives on in our memory, and expect that someone will come to our rescue even when we are not so sure as to how they can rescue us.

Today, I am asking you to look beyond that script that played out in your life months or years ago.  I am inviting you to sit back and watch as part of an audience, preferably as the one you blame for inflicting this unforgettable pain on you.  Most of all, I am asking you to find the hidden message in the drama as it unfolds.   Why, you ask?  Because I believe when we look deeper into our story and the experience thereof, we will always find that we added something to our character; something that strengthened our personality.  There is a positive lesson from every experience that we often unconsciously decide to ignore, yet take on as part of our personality.  I invite you to explore the idea that we consciously and/or subconsciously make decisions that can be changed when we become more informed.

My mother was never one for verbal interaction.  I am not sure whether this was by choice or simply for her to use her long, silent pauses for maximum effect.  I can remember as a teenager making cheeky remarks to her face about her parenting methods.  I can still see her very clearly, in our tiny living room, sitting on the couch opposite me, listening in silence while I gave her a lecture on who a good parent is.  She listened, quietly to my discounted view of her as a parent.  She listened, while I basically told her, her communication style was flawed and that she should make an effort to interact more with me verbally.  I can still see her listening quietly, without interrupting, rubbing her hands together with a broad smile on her face.  And, I can still hear her in response, right at the end of my long speech, make a sound that neither indicated to me, her approval or disapproval of my opinionated ‘words of wisdom’.  

As I narrate this story, I can still feel the frustration that her calm attitude created in me and I can hear the 17-year old me thinking, why doesn’t she just act like I want her to?  Why doesn’t she, as my mother, tell me what is right and what is wrong?  Why doesn’t she just tell me what to do?   Yeah, I can still see me, sitting opposite my mother, thinking and feeling all righteous, attempting to instruct my mother on how to be ok as a parent. Yet, looking back now I am happy she never gave in or got hooked into my game. I am glad she made the hard decision to allow me to be an adult even at that age.

I also remember at an even earlier age, when I needed my mother to tell me what to do. This was when my family relocated to the city. I remember specifically my first day in that new city school, as a toddler.  Two of my siblings and I were attending the same primary school for the first time where, incidentally our mother had also just got a new job as a teacher.  So, that morning, all of four of us walked to school, together.  My siblings and I walking behind our mother.  We all arrived at the school campus, an L-shaped building with a wide open, gravelled area extending into some bushes in front of the building.  My elder sister and brother both found, and made their way into their classrooms.  For some unknown reason, probably my subconscious mind telling me that my mother should tell me where to go, I made no attempt to look for or enquire which one of these rooms was my classroom.  Instead, I stayed outside, played with some gravel and anything I could find interesting as a 4-year old toddler, and waited for my mother or someone to come and get me and show me to my class.  I can still remember the feeling of anxiety with each passing minute, as I sat on the pebbled stones, listening to the echoes of children’s voices, chiming in with the teachers’ low-baritone voice, and no one in sight to talk to me and lead me to my classroom.

My mother eventually came out of her classroom, not very pleased that I had decided to stay outside the classroom; scolded me for not being responsible and adult enough to search for and place myself into my appropriate classroom and then, thankfully, took me to my classroom.

That was my mother alright.  Typically, never giving you clear instructions as to how to think, be and do stuff but allowing us her children, the capacity to think for ourselves. I found that quite hard to accept that this was her chosen way to bring us up to be responsible adults.  I discounted her parenting methods, told myself that as an adult, she was not ok.  Yet, I now realise she knew all along that she was ok and was simply permitting and allowing me to come to the realisation that I was ok too.

Yes, my mother generally expected that I should know what I liked and subsequently find positive ways of getting it.  By the time that I was 17, I had come to an understanding that my mother’s parenting style was quite laid back, and that, that was ok.  

Why am I telling you all these?  I know you probably have similar stories and experiences that possibly pop into your mind; stories that tend to take you down the line of blame and thoughts that imply that if your parents or caregivers had behaved or parented you differently, you would have turned out to be a better human being.  While that may be true, it is also true that we can’t go back and change the events that shaped who we are today. For so long, I looked back on events and experiences in my life but never, as the saying goes, ‘read between the lines’ of the script. It is only when I started aligning the stories to who I am today that I realised that my mother, consciously or unconsciously had brought me up to be independent; to learn to think for myself and most of all to express my needs openly and with the expectation that these would be met.

I believe our personalities are co-created with the help of our parents and care-givers.  But if we focus only on the negative effects they might have had on us during our formative years, we will never notice and maximise the positive effects they are having in our personalities.  More often than not, we hang on to negative feelings of those past experiences, mentally persecuting our parents and/or caregivers while ignoring the hidden lessons and messages from the experience.  These experiences could be a good place to start looking for our true selves if and when we decide to go beyond the drama, read between the lines of the script, to find the hidden positive message.  This hidden message would also eventually, support us to find our own voice and to use that voice to re-create another script that gives us a future that includes our present needs.

I invite you to use hindsight, to grow into the person that you always longed to be as a child.

Thinking Thoughts

Your thoughts create your reality!  You are NOT your thoughts!

Have you ever thought about these two statements together?  I have and it is only when I did that I realised how inter-connected they were.  I realised that although at the surface level they sound contradictory, you cannot really understand and abide by one or the other but have to abide by both to obtain the benefits of the teaching behind the statements.

Considering that our thoughts are the most private thing we own, is it really fair to claim that we are not our thoughts?  Our thoughts are our internal reality seen and heard only by us; they are our way of witnessing, perceiving and interpreting the world we live in.  We go into a thinking mood and analyse what we see, hear, touch, smell and feel in order to make sense of our world.  It is our way of understanding what is happening in the outer world, the world without! 

Such reasoning implies that there is a world within and a world without and that our thoughts are real to the extent that we are aware of them, yet they do not exist outside of our awareness. They are not physical objects!  There is nowhere else where the thought that is appearing to each one of us at this moment is actually occurring except in our minds. Our thoughts are happening only in our imagination and are not solid, like trees or rocks that exist outside of us in some tangible way.  Is it really accurate then to claim that our reality is built out of our thoughts?

“Reality is built out of thought and our every thought begins to create reality” – Edgar Cayce.  The world without like our circumstances, events, lifestyles influences the world within and consequently our world without.  The world within – our thoughts – determines how we interact with the world without.  We also create our world without through our interactions with others and the environment; interactions that will eventually determine our thought pattern and our world within.  Sounds like a vicious circle, right?  We use our internal process to create an understandable reality that simply confirms and reinforces our thoughts and beliefs, hence the inter-connectedness of the sayings “Your thoughts create your reality” and “You are not your thoughts”.  You are not your thoughts because thoughts do not offer any permanence in the form of objects and yet we use our thoughts, our thinking/reasoning to create our reality! 

“Change your thinking, change your life” – Les Brown.  Eckhart Tolle states that we “attract and manifest whatever corresponds to our inner state.”  It is however important to remember that a thought, negative or positive is harmless and/or worthless, unless you believe and act on it!  It is not the thought but your attachment and reaction to it that causes you suffering or joy.

“Rule your mind or it will rule you” – Buddha.  In Michael A. Singer’s book “The Untethered Soul:  The Journey Beyond Yourself”, he likens our thoughts to an inner roommate that speaks incessantly, giving the pros and cons of ideas, blaming us when our ideas/thoughts fail to achieve our goals, taking credit when they do and generally simply over-emphasising the importance of the thoughts that occur in our minds.  This inner roommate never stops chattering until we learn to either, accept and live with them just as they are or decline to participate in their conversation.  Singer invites us to consider whether we would still be friends with, and identify with that inner roommate (our thoughts) if they were a real, physical being; if they manifested as a real roommate?  Would you continue having a conversation with them?  Listen to them talk you into and out of things?  Believe every word they say and even carry out their instructions?  Or would you simply ignore them for the sake of your sanity and for fear of being judged to be crazy by virtue of association?  After all, what “normal” person would want to be seen having a conversation with someone who never stops talking; someone who gives you advice and immediately contradicts his/her advice?  Someone who, when you fail, blames you for following through with the advice they gave?  Yes, someone who never stops talking!  Someone you and others can’t even see!  That is that inner roommate Singer is talking about.  Would you live with such a roommate?  If no, then why encourage the chatter in your mind, the thoughts/“roommate” in your mind?  Why create that world within that you simply cannot keep up with in the world without? (Singer, M, 2007).

Don’t get me wrong, you need to do some thinking in order to plan your day and/or future but do you need to do that 24/7?

Our thoughts do not exist outside our minds and we do not become our thoughts until we believe and act on them.   

I’ll leave you with this quote from Shunryu Suzuki: “Leave your front door and your back door open!  Allow your thoughts to come and go; just don’t serve them tea”!

Rosaline Nain Chia

21/3/2016

Miracles Can Happen!

This is the time when we, especially our kids expect miracles!  Santa is expected to miraculously know what we want for Christmas and either bring these gifts to us via the chimney at night into our homes or allow us to sit on his lap to receive our expected gifts!  It is also the time when parents start convincing suspecting over-grown kids that Santa actually exists and/or explaining to their over-observant, philosophical and clever kids why they have been lied to all these years!  Not a comforting place to be as a parent!

As grown-ups we continue to expect miracles but our scientific and logical minds doubt the possibility and validity of such happenings.

Yes, it’s the end of the year – again!  A full week of festivity and love! While we are relaxing and feasting, we also stop from time to time to reflect in the past year.   As grown-ups, it is time to reflect and re-evaluate our choices and actions during the past year!  Did any miracles occur?

I tend to do this at the end of every year – reflect and re-evaluate my life choices!  Is it helping?  I’m not so sure!  I almost always beat myself up for not doing better and usually end up blaming God, my higher self, the universe, whoever, for not taking greater care of me; for not directing me towards the most successful path and basically for leaving me to my own devices and allowing me to make a fool of myself!

Yes, it is easier to blame the higher powers!  Someone has to be blamed and who better to take the blame than the Omni-Potent Being(s)!  They should know better and direct us accordingly.  And if they really care, they should have made an extra effort to give us a plan and come save us from all our misfortunes and mistakes!

It is exactly this way of thinking that keeps me and you stuck in one place or situation!  The expectation that a guideline would mysteriously fall into our laps as to where and how we need to go to get our miracles in life!  We are expecting a miracle but we are not bold enough to go out and make the miracle happen.  We forget that we are the instruments that God uses to bring about the miracle.  We expect the higher forces to take charge, get it all done and simply hand it over to us on a plate!  We are too scared to take the initiative for fear that it might all go wrong and we might discover that our expected miracle was just that – an expectation in our imagination!  And that we won’t be able to face the shame of this discovery!

Yes, we are afraid to walk down the tunnel in case the light does not come on at the end of the tunnel! We would like to have a glimpse of this light before we actually start walking down the tunnel!  But what if the tunnel is not a straight tunnel?  What if, it is a bendy tunnel with lots of turns and corners?  Should that really stop us from walking down the tunnel?  That kind of takes away the adventure and the fun of walking down the tunnel doesn’t it?  Wouldn’t you like to feel the excitement that comes with discovering something new; having a new experience?

It is basically such limiting thoughts that keep you and myself stuck in our old ways and situations.  These fearful thoughts prevent us from going out to create the situations that will provide us with the miracles we long for and expect from a loving universe.  So what if it doesn’t happen the way we expected?  We learn from it and move on!  Take a different turn the next time or simply do it differently!  Most of all we would have learned a lot more about ourselves – our strengths and weaknesses in times of anxiety and in the face of the unknown!  We would of course get better at “walking in the dark”!

God meets us at the level at which we are and blesses our efforts to make ourselves better.  Yes, miracles do happen but they cannot happen if we stay put in one position.  We need to go out, start the process and expect that the touch of God, the midas touch, whatever you choose to call it, will turn our process/efforts into a miracle and make it a big success!

As the year slowly draws to an end, I am chastising myself for the times I talked myself into not taking action on an idea; the times I convinced myself that my idea could not be successfully brought into fruition and therefore never acted on the idea!  Yet, that doesn’t stop me from expecting a miracle though!  The idea might just jump out of my head onto a page, and subsequently into action and then before I know it, I shall be running down the tunnel, albeit in the dark, into the bright light of success!

I wish you all a prosperous 2015!  Make it prosperous by literally following your dreams to a miraculous success!  Just take one step at a time and you will get there.  Bear in mind that you can’t get there, wherever there is, by standing still!

Life Decisions:  In pursuit of wealth or dreams

I was in the process of putting away some of the many books that I have read during the last few years when I noticed a theme – they were all books on the law of attraction and spirituality.  Books ranging from Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” to Carolyn Myss’s “Sacred Contracts”.  Books that emphasize respect for humanity and the individual’s capacity to live a fulfilling life simply by focusing on the present moment!  According to these authors, all we need to do is to find out what we are good at and then concentrate on fulfilling that dream.  As Gary Zukav puts it, a happy life is about aligning our personality to the needs of our soul!  Easier said than done?  Right?  Definitely difficult for some of us!

The knowledge from these books does not necessarily translate into reality for most people.  Our beliefs and social expectations generally comes ups with so many reasons and excuses why we can’t just relax in the present moment and BE and more often than not lead us to making the wrong choices with regard to our dreams and hopes!

There often is conflict between choosing a career for the expected high income and pursuing our dreams and life purpose. Life purpose here refers to pursuing a career that serves others and is also fulfilling to the individual.  Spiritual and self-help books on being and living your best life to your full potential all indicate that the best way to live a happy and prosperous life is to do what we love doing; follow the career that we love most and the money will follow.  So if it is that simple, why do so many of us side-track into jobs and careers that we can just barely tolerate?

Our “gurus” also tell us that our thoughts (the thoughts that lead us to these decisions) not only create our reality but that there is a God, a higher being that oversees our existence.  A being that would guide us expertly if we would only surrender to it! Yes, all you need to do is surrender to an invisible being and all will be fine!  Really?  Yes, really!  I know from my own life experience that when I give up the need to control events; the need to be in control and the need to predict outcomes and simply go with the flow, live in the present moment, life becomes easier, lighter and more enjoyable.  Ever heard the saying “don’t take yourself too seriously?”  That’s exactly what it is!  Our gurus suggest that we surrender to the higher being within us or at least believe that there is a higher being taking care of us and give him/her/it the chance to be in control knowing that “All is Well”!

But the pursuit of money/wealth pushes us to make the wrong choices.  They say do what you love and the money will follow.  However, oftentimes, there is those unfounded thoughts that tell us that if only we could do something else for a higher pay we would eventually concentrate on what we love doing.  The excuse here is usually that we need money to follow our dreams.  It starts with needing money to survive – i.e. pay for the day-to-day expenses of life, food, shelter and clothing.  Following this trend of thought we end up feeling trapped doing what we don’t really enjoy doing just for the money and before we know it, it becomes we are trapped in our chase for wealth.  We eventually come up with the excuse that we are making just enough money to take care of our basic needs and there is no extra to follow-up on the business or career that we would love doing!  Besides it is so comfortable to stay where we are we wouldn't dare venture out into the unknown!

This is exactly when we fall into the trap of thinking that we are in control of things and can decide when and how we make the money we need.  Wrong!  It is in giving that we receive and a giving, fulfilling career might just be the best way to have and keep the best of two worlds – a career and lasting wealth.

My friend Jazz loves helping others.  She loves making others feel optimistic about life and seeing the smile on people’s faces when they feel someone truly cares for them.  It is in her personality to be caring and empathetic.  However, she has always dreamt about finding and pursuing a paid career that allows her to be and express these emotions.  Yet, she always uses the excuse that she needs money in order to make it into a business and a career.  As true as that might be, I hate to think that she might just spend the rest of her life trying to make enough money to live well before she moves into the business of living her dream.

A fulfilling job needs to be one that aligns with and highlights your personality.  The job on its own will not bring you lasting happiness if it doesn’t allow you to be yourself; to express yourself in ways that allow your personality to shine.

Spiritual teachers, have taught us that sacrifice is usually the only way to get to doing what we love doing especially if our career option entails giving to others.  We need to give up something in order to get what we want.  We need to give up control – control emanating from our beliefs about ourselves and others – and concentrate on the here and now to find the answers that will lead us forward to fulfilling our dreams.  There is always somewhere where we can start.  Waiting for the right opportunity might mean waiting forever and regretting that we never tried.

Our spiritual leaders emphasize the importance of surrendering to our God, higher self, higher being or our higher consciousness, our morality, the capability of deciphering what is right and what is wrong.  This is our guide to making the right decisions that will keep us on the path of our dream.  Yet, so many of us often feel side tracked by the trappings of this earthly life, the desire to be loved and accepted and the fear that if we are not like everyone else, we won’t find happiness!  What a shame!

Jazz and I often discuss what it is that is stopping her from embarking on the route to fulfilling her dream of serving others, her purpose in life and she is never short of reasons and excuses.  Mind you the reasons and/or excuses are mostly the same.

Firstly, there is the social pressure of following a career that is seen as high up in the social status.  Her cultural background particularly emphasizes being qualified, having and keeping a white collar job, owning or at least living a in big house in a posh residential area.  I think many societies think similarly, hence the question “where do you live” when you meet a new acquaintance.

Secondly, linked to the social pressure there is the shame of being seen as a looser if she appears not to have a high status job and live in a high class residential area.  And so she struggles either to hide the fact that she has not achieved much and is not doing as well as the others. The desire to please and belong!  All this with the intention that when she finally has the money to live well then she can embark on her real purpose in life!  She will still have her "rich" friends and a fulfilling career as a bonus.  Problem is, the relationships were formed on a basis of a lie which begs the question as to whether or not these are real friends?

As implied in Jazz’s reasons above her dream career and purpose in life is not regarded in society as a high status job.  Not necessarily though.  She sees herself as a teacher that can motivate others into being the best that they can be.  She feels stuck as to the ways and means of doing this on a big scale.  That is, in a way that she can earn lots of cash and still feel fulfilled!  But does she have to do it on a big scale to achieve the expected outcome?  Yes and No! Yes, if she is focusing only on the money aspect! No if she focuses on the joy and love she gets from doing it.

Even though Jazz is not getting any apparent monetary gain at the moment from being caring, the outcome here is massive, bigger than Jazz can see!  Motivate one person at a time and allow the ripple effect to take effect!  What Jazz does not realize is the unseen positive effect her kindness and positivity is having, not only on the one person that she motivates but on all the other string of people that are touched by those who later come into contact with the person she motivated and so on!

But there is still the dilemma of making a living out of being kind and caring!  For me the answer is start small at the level where you are.  Ever heard of authentic business?  Treat others fairly and never try to extort your customers out of their hard earned cash by using deception and foul methods.  Honest, authentic business that is built on honest business principles and goals will attract a wider clienteles and subsequent wealth than expected.  Unfortunately, most of us are not so patient to allow ourselves to start small and grow gradually to our expected heights!  At least Jazz isn’t!  She’s still looking for a quick fix and that is blinding her from realizing that her quick fix is taking even longer to bring her to her dream career than her apparent unrewarded acts of kindness!

Everything happening in your life is a reflection of what is going on within you!

This is so hard to believe.  I know because I battle with this idea all the time.  I blame the other person or persons for every obstacle I have to face.  I blame my circumstances and the environment and make all kinds of excuses and reasons why I cannot and could not have contributed to my present and past situation(s).  On the other hand, I readily take credit for the good things that come my way.  I claim a 100% credit for all the successful outcomes in my life and scarcely ever think of all the people that could have contributed to my success story!  That is simply being human and yet, I have recently learned that everything happening in my life is a reflection of what is going on within me.  My thoughts about myself, conscious and subconscious all contribute to both the way I experience life as well as my experiences in life.

I attended a workshop about a week ago organised and ran by a well-known TA Trainer and Psychotherapist, Ken Mellor on “Expanding in Spirit”.  The last part of the workshop emphasized the importance of using every situation and experience in life to get to know ourselves better; a way to discover who we are and most of all as an indicator that we still need to dig deeper to learn what the situation is teaching us about ourselves as a person.  This is crucial for people who really want to know who they are and since I am one of those people, I decided to put it to the test.  His advice was that we see past the situation/problem/circumstance and look within to find out how we attracted and became part of the experience.

I followed his advise and did just that!  In fact, I took the advice literally and decided to explore what I could learn about myself.  My first test was to find out the ways in which I was contributing to some complaints made re my person and my work.  It was a difficult choice considering that the same complaint had been made more than once by my colleagues to my supervisor.  It was definitely difficult getting past the thought that my co-workers disliked me because I was “different” and did things differently and that because of this supposed dislike for me they would make up all kinds of negative stories about me!  I am that important right?  There was my ego completely inflated to the max that I could barely see past this idea that they had it in for me; and would do or say anything to bring me down; that I was right and they were completely wrong in their judgement of me.  I spent so much energy figuring out how I could convince them to see and do things my way.  I tried minimally to change my attitude and way of thinking but still found myself thinking, there must be something wrong with them if they cannot see things the way I see them!

The complaints about how I did my job within the team simply would not go away and when for the third time my supervisor brought it up I boldly and fearlessly said, “well, as long as my conscience is clear and those complaining are unable to come up with concrete examples of the unacceptable actions they are complaining about, I am going to continue doing what I am doing”.  Yet, I could not stop myself from thinking about the complaints and how I could resolve them by resolving the conflict it was causing between me and my colleagues.

I am not saying that some of my colleagues are not really nasty and would sometimes tell little fibs and even big lies just to make themselves look good while painting me and others black!  No, that’s not what I am saying.  You will always have people like that not only at work but in most places;  people who think it is by putting others down that they can become successful and respected.  What I am saying is that, there was and still is something about me, something going on in my thoughts about myself that attracts people, situations and experiences like these.  That part of me was what I was determined to find out.

After long and endless, unsuccessful “thought-full” days, attempting to decipher my contribution to the conflict, I decided the only way forward was to make an official request through my supervisor that my team sat together and openly discuss why some team members felt so strongly opposed to my way of doing things.  None of them had complained to me directly and I felt an open platform with a facilitator will ease the process and also allow me to express my point of view.  I was going to do this by sending an email to my supervisor requesting her to set up such a meeting so we could all clear the air once and for all.  As soon as I got to the point in the email where I was explaining that I felt I had done no wrong and that my way of doing things was right until it was proven otherwise, something clicked in me.  I remembered a childhood experience where I’d been in a similar position.

I remembered and felt the feelings that came with that experience and the decision I’d made at that time as to how I would behave from then on.  At that instant, my behaviour and resistance to change at work all made sense.  I cringed at the thought that all this had been playing out in my life all this while, yet, I was so happy that I finally understood how I could have been attracting some people and situations in my life and most of all that the persistent complaints from my colleagues had pushed me into looking into myself to resolve the conflict.  Needless to say I never sent the email!  Even if I do ask for a team discussion, I will be fully present to negotiate my corner having understood myself better!  I am however, not going to run to my colleagues and declare to them that I finally realised they were somehow right all along!!  Far from it!  I am still keeping some of my ego, thank you very much!!  However, I am confident that as my thoughts and beliefs about myself change, the situation, conflict and relationship with my colleagues will regulate itself positively.

On my part, I am going to do something even harder – re-live those feelings and thoughts and clear them from my system once and for all!  Yes, the hardest part for me is to face the truth about myself and how my false self has been influencing my behaviour and then replace the beliefs and thoughts that created and attracted the situation in the first place with positive thoughts and beliefs.  Painful memories are usually blocked and locked away in our subconscious mind.  Little do we know that they still influence a big chunk of how we live our lives.  The memory that I recalled was an emotionally painful incident which I locked away and hoped that I would never re-live and/or re-experience it.  Unfortunately, I have been subconsciously re-living it with others who replaced the actual people with whom I had the first experience.  I guess I just have to consciously do that now in order to make peace with myself and those who became substitute actors and also unconsciously got involved in the game!  After all I am an adult now with updated data to help me understand and see things differently.

Yes, I will continue to use my experiences, especially those that come in the form of obstacles, as an indicator that there is a blockage of some sort within me (especially in my subconscious mind), that needs to be removed so I can live a fuller life!

We all have our own obstacles in life!  Remember that obstacles, whatever form they take, are not opposing you, but merely and gently re-routing you!  Everything happening in your life is a reflection of what is going on within you!  Rise to the occasion and change your life for the better!

Let's talk TO each other not ABOUT each other

We spend so much time talking about each other instead of talking to each other!  I read this somewhere recently and it got me thinking of all the times I have bitched about others or listened to others bitch about someone else without calling them out on it!  I’ll say we spend so much time talking about each other there is little or no time to talk to each other.  We talk around each other and expect that there will be some changes in the other's behaviour!

Assuming that when we talk about others behind their backs it is usually to criticise or say something negative about them, why is it so easy or easier to do so with others instead of speaking directly to the one concerned?  Why do we find it easier to complain about each other’s behaviour and actions to others except to the person(s) actually involved in the action? I believe we would solve a lot more problems, and create better relationships if we could cultivate the habit of confronting one another with our perceived unacceptable behaviour and actions.  If we learned to speak to the person(s) concerned about issues that concern them, we will be able to resolve the issue(s) there and then.  Well, assuming that, there will be no sparks, accusations and counter accusations flying all over the place!  At least the other person will be aware of what they are supposedly doing that annoys the other and will get the chance to give his/her own side of the story while the complainant will be able express his/her grievance directly to the accused.

Open and honest conversation is also quite therapeutic if we face it with an open mind.  I find that my feelings towards the other person changes only temporarily when I don’t speak directly to them about an issue that involves them.  If I am angry or unhappy with someone and speak to some other person about my discontent, I end up feeling guilty for talking behind their back and at the same time hope that they don’t get to know about it.   At the same time I’ll be hoping that they change their behaviour towards me!  But how is that going to happen when they are not even aware that I have a problem with them.

At work, colleagues sometimes expect new-comers to do their jobs perfectly yet would not directly tell them when they go wrong or fail to pick up the culture of the organisation straight away.

Yes, we don’t really expect that a person changes their ways of thinking and behaving by talking behind their back do we?  Maybe we do!  At least if we are honest, we expect the other person we are talking to about some other person to agree with and confirm our view of the other and possibly contribute some other evidence that corroborates our perception.

On the one hand, we are afraid to hurt the other person by telling them the truth as we see it.  We are also scared of a full blown confrontation.  So we decide to gauge the views of others neutral to the situation.  If they agree with us that the person we are talking about is exactly the way we perceive them to be, we are happy and feel good about ourselves.  That also convinces us that we were right all along and reinforces our belief that there is something wrong with the other person and they need to change.

On the other hand, assuming that we can make others change for us, the person being talked about cannot change if they do not even know what we are thinking and saying about them.  Secondly, the people we are talking to will also be influenced in their perception of the one being discussed.  It is quite difficult to listen to all the stories, good or bad, about someone and remain neutral in our behaviour towards them.  One way or another our interaction with them will be influenced by what we have heard.  We will end up using the frame of reference of others in our interactions with the person spoken about thereby ultimately limiting our experience to theirs.

Talking about each other is quite common in work situations where relationships are not so intimate.  In the hope that their views would be accepted as the best option to take, managers and colleagues constantly talk past each other without listening to or allowing the other person to express their own thoughts and feelings.

It will be refreshing, if we could all make an effort to have a conversation with each other; a conversation where both parties are fully contributing to the discussion.  A conversation where we allow each other to express their thoughts and feelings.  This is the best way we can show respect for each other; the only way we can accept that we are different and therefore can think and feel differently about stuff.

Most of all, let's talk TO each other instead of ABOUT each other!

My Evolving True Self

Some of us live our lives trying so hard to manage the thoughts we think others have about us.  Our lives become guided and directed by what we believe others think, would or might think of us!  We neglect being our True Self because we are so focused on acting according to societal and family demands.  Eventually, we forget what it means to BE ourselves.  This Adapted Self is our Ideal Self, the Self that we project to the rest of the world.  Our Ideal Self is constricted and contracted in awareness and is often in conflict with our Real Self, the individual that we are.  Who we are, our Real Self, is relaxed, comfortable no matter the circumstances or situation we find ourselves in.  Our Real Self is expanded in awareness!

I am often torn between giving myself the satisfaction of expressing my deepest feelings and thoughts and holding back these feelings and thoughts in order to please the other.  More often than not I give into the latter and that often leaves me with a feeling of dissatisfaction and awkwardness.  I do not feel comfortable when I compromise who I am just for the sake of amicability.  Yet, I do compromise most of the time!  But, is it ever proper to simply be one’s self, act and speak your truth the way you think and perceive it and damn the consequences? Can we act whichever way we feel like with little or no regard to the others around us?  What makes us conform to society’s and other people’s norms and values or others’ way of thinking, perceived or otherwise?

Our upbringing and environment conditions us to think, feel and behave in certain ways.  It provides us with the techniques for survival in life which we eventually mistake for the real, authentic way of being.  These techniques for survival, these ways of being are our ego, our false self.  The online Oxford Dictionary defines the Ego as:  “a person’s sense of self esteem or self-importance”.  In Psychoanalysis, “it is that part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity”.  Thus, the type of person that I am, my ego can be observed in my personality.  This thought alone (that my ego can be perceived in personality) provokes an examination of my conscience, not in the light of my True Self but in the light of how well I have been presenting my Ideal Self!  How sad!

There really shouldn’t be any conflict between our Ideal selves and our Real selves if we act out of integrity, integrity being the key word.  Integrity here is defined as the state of being whole and undivided!  Integrity also gives us a feeling of oneness with ourselves.  I would think this feeling of oneness with ourselves, a feeling that also comes with being our real selves would be something to work towards; something to cherish and cultivate.  Yet, it appears it is easier to cultivate our Ideal projected self!

My ego oftentimes, limits and even over-shadows and suppresses the expression of my Authentic Real Self.  Possibly because the ego is the only knowledgeable form of psychological protection I’ve got to regulate my interactions and at the same time feel safe and protected.  I have also in the past, based my choice of jobs and career on what my Ideal Projected Self (my ego) needed and wanted!  I felt ashamed and did not feel comfortable engaging in conversation relating to my work if I perceived it job title and position as not the “it” position by the standards of society or a job for someone of my calibre!  Yet, I never felt happier or more satisfied when I moved to another job perceived by society as a high status job!  Going after certain jobs, behaving and interacting with others in a certain way, was the trusted way I knew how to live my live without provoking conflict or stepping into unknown territory.

Matheson, (1998) points out that the ego unconsciously and automatically regulates and maintains our psychic equilibrium.  He believes the Authentic, Real Self functions as a parallel to the ego.  It does not encompass the ego but uses some of its functions to accomplish its tasks.  That means, if our Ideal Self were to work in collaboration with our Real Self, we would understand and move closer to our Real Self and become the best that we could be.  To achieve this, we would need to step out of our contracted awareness; the awareness that limits us to our beliefs, assumptions and perceptions.  Letting go, or at least questioning these beliefs and assumptions will expand our awareness and perception in life and allow us to have a more fulfilling experience.

Berne’s Ego State Model (1972) suggests that our egos are ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that we have learnt from childhood from our caregivers or parents.  It is also the way we thought, felt and behaved as children.  However, as we grow, we accumulate data, we collect more information that updates what we learned as children.  Consequently, our way of seeing and interacting with others and the world changes with every experience that we have as individuals.

Berne (1972), divided the ego into 3 different ego states (See diagram below).  Each reflects the way one thinks, feels and behaves when they are in that ego state.  For example, we would be thinking, feeling and behaving from a Parent Ego state if we copied a parent figure’s ways of thinking, feeling and believing without questioning the rightness or wrongness of the thought, feeling or belief.  Likewise, we would be in a Child ego state if we acted, felt and thought the same way we did when we were children in a present moment situation.  These ego states are coherent systems of thought and feeling manifested by corresponding patterns of behaviour that are very often unconscious. Yet, our Authentic Real Self can only be expressed if we became consciously aware and spontaneous in our interactions.  In fact, Berne’s characteristics of an autonomous person which he equates to an authentic person, are awareness, spontaneity and intimacy.

Berne’s ego states model as shown in the diagram below, indicates how our ways of thinking, feeling and behaving are influenced moment by moment by the contents of our Parent, Adult and Child (PAC) ego states with the Adult using the Parent and the Child contents to evaluate and decide on the best action to take in the here and now.

Berne's Ego States Model

Adapted from Eric Berne, M.D., 1972

Each ego state contains the historical and biological components of one’s personality.  So, like any other person, I use my ego states to function in society; I use it to relate to myself, others and the environment and the information from all of my 3 ego states influences the ways and means by which I interact and integrate socially.

Unfortunately, this False Self, the ego, is not adaptive to real life.  It is there simply to act as a defence and it does become quite defensive when attacked; it protects us from and against painful feelings and situations.  And as Masterson (1988) points out, it achieves this goal at the cost of mastering reality because the reality is encapsulated in a fixed frame of reference.  It is only by facing and staying with the reality (looking into, staying with and acting from one’s feelings) that one’s True Self begins to develop.  This development begins with awareness of self.  It starts by simply being and connecting with our feelings.  Our bodily feelings will tell us how congruent our actions and thoughts are to our Real Self.  Reflective thinking, after we have connected to our feelings would help us see and accept the reality and often also guides us to a better decision for the future.

One’s Real Self can be defined therefore, by pointing to that sense of self that is experienced as a feeling or a thought; the feeling of anger or peace, sadness or happiness etc.  Exploration of these feelings in our body will lead us to the discovery of our real selves.  For example, actions that do not elicit the intended feelings from us would be an indication that we are not acting from our Real Self.  The Real Self "is the guidance system, that guidance that motivates much of our behavior and keeps that behavior on the appropriate path" (Masterson, 1998).

My True, Authentic Self is synonymous to Berne’s Autonomous Self.  According to Berne, an autonomous person would be one who takes responsibility for everything he or she feels, thinks and believes.  Such a person also either has or develops an ethical system for life - integrity.  Autonomy here is a not a one-stop event but a continuous process that involves the Adult objectively computing and integrating information from his/her Parent and Child in his decision making.  It is only through this continuous process of integration that the Adult stops from being simply an unfeeling data processing machine to being a person (an Integrated Adult) with feelings and ethics.  It is in the process of integration that he/she also acquires technical skills and abilities to use in the future.

We are all unique, special individuals.  The confirmation of our uniqueness can only become evident if we express our Real Selves.  As Masterson, (1988) puts it, “The Real Self keeps us aware of our essential, separate, unique identity and allows us to adapt creatively to changing situations so that we can continue to express the continuity and uniqueness of our identity and feel ‘real’”.  One’s real self is that core self within us that remains the same from one experience to the other.  It is that place from where we recognise that we are worthwhile, competent and that we are “not immune to suffering but capable of withstanding them and growing because of them” (Masterson, 1988).

My True Self exists in the feelings and thoughts that come and go in me; it truly exists when I express these feelings without any filters.  Yet, if I have to live with integrity and still feel authentic, I recognise the need to filter some of these thoughts and feelings through my Adult, to accommodate the feelings of my environment and others.  By consciously integrating the feelings and welfare of the environment and others while connecting to and acting from my own feelings I continue to live authentically.  My integrating Adult does not simply adopt the ways of thinking, feeling and behaving from my Cultural and Critical Parent but consciously questions its injunctions and beliefs and accepts only those that “sit” well with me.  It also allows my creative Child to activate my Adult mind to create whatever is beautiful and enterprising for myself and the universe.

My True Self continues to evolve with every experience.

References

Berne, 1972, What do you say after you say hello?  The Psychology of Human Destiny. Transworld Publishers Ltd, London

Masterson, J F, 1998, The Search for the Real Self, Unmasking the Personality Disorders of our Age, The Free Press, A Division of Simon & Schuster Inc. New York

Growing Old Elegantly & With Vitality

I was recently asked the following question: “What age would you consider someone to be old”.  My answer was and still is, “one is as old as they think and feel”.  My audience then thought my answer and perception in life was childlike and someone even commented that she feels 13 and might just start considering herself 13 years old!

What I didn’t do then was explain what I meant by, “one is as old as they think and feel”.

What does it mean to be old?  Who would be consider as old?  A 2 year old thinks her parents, even when they are as young as 18, are old.  Some 40 year old ladies believe they are old and consider their parents of maybe 60 and above very old.  They hate the wrinkles that have started showing up on their faces and necks and the thought of getting as old as their parents causes anxiety and panic in them.  They are afraid they will catch all the diseases and physical deformities commonly associated with old age – the body wrinkles, the bent back, the wobbly legs, alzheimers etc.

But is this really true?  Does all these diseases and/or physical ailments and deformities automatically come with old age?  How come some people, (and I'm sure you know quite a few), are still very healthy and active at 80 while others look decrepit and wasted at 40?  What is the secret of those who are still elegant, vigorous, hearty and active at 80+?  Could it be the environment they grew up in and/or the environment they now live in?  Could it be their family background or could it just be their personal interpretation of their experiences in life?

Family upbringing and interpretation of life experiences appears to be a more plausible explanation for differences in the way we grow old.   There also appears to be a link between growing old with vitality and one’s life script.

Eric Berne, (1972) suggested that vitality in old age depended heavily on the individual’s life script.  While a person’s physical health and constitutional robustness can be other strong factors that determine the person’s life span, their life script always plays a key role in how active and robust they are in old age.  A crippling illness may be unavoidable but it is welcomed without any resistance, mental or otherwise, because of a script that says the individual can overcome anything.  On the other hand, a debilitating illness like a stroke can also be welcomed as a permanent situation that cannot be overcome for the simple reason that it clears the individual from the unconscious compulsion of following their script.

People with open-ended scripts could easily start vegetating at the age of 40.  People who, for example, take an early pension might have a script that says “Work hard and don’t take any chances” with a pay-off that states “After that, give up” (Berne, 1972).  Such people do not know what to do with their lives after they have achieved this script.  Berne (1972) believed a double-ended script worked better for continuity and robustness into old age.  If someone had an implied or stated injunction from both parents with one taking off where the other ended, it is much more likely that there will be a positive progression and vitality into old age.  For example, a non-verbal injunction from mum that says, “you can’t have a life of your own until you’ve raised 3 kids” with another from dad that says “you can be and do whatever you put your mind to after you’ve raise all your kids”, will give the individual the permission to remain active and robust right into old age.

What is your script saying to you?  What do you think or believe will happen when you grow old?  Do you believe you will be alive and active at 80, 90 or even a 100 and be happy and healthy?  If not, why not?  It’s time to challenge those beliefs about aging!  Give yourself permission to grow old elegantly and with vitality.  Give yourself permission to enjoy life to the fullest!

Games People Play, Subconscious Beliefs & Positive Affirmations

Eric Berne (1964) in his book Games People Play, gave a simple but very clear understanding of the dynamics of relationships.  The psychological games presented in this book offer a deeper understanding of our social interactions, the motives behind these interactions and the ways in which we reinforce our beliefs and positions in life.  According to Berne, although the players might be unaware that they are playing a game, the outcome of the interaction is always predictable.

One of the games that I have played for so long is the “Why Don’t You – Yes, But” game.  In this game I never seem to be quite ready to listen to, receive and execute the suggestions of the other when I request for help.  I might not say it out loud to the person or persons I am interacting with but in my mind I counteract every suggestion with a “Yes, But”, this or that might happen or not happen if I did what you are suggesting.  I come up with a reason and/or excuse for every suggestion.  I might feel positively capable of implementing their suggestion at the time of interaction, and might even consider doing what they suggest but when I actually sit down to do so, all kinds of excuses and reasons not to follow their suggestion(s) creep into my mind.  And so the predictable outcome is that I stay in the same position I was before the interaction.

If you are like me you will find that you don’t really need another person to play this game; that you can play it just as well and even better with yourself.  Your self-talk!

Positive affirmations and underlying beliefs are like “sweatshirts” with a front and a back!  The positive affirmation in front of the sweatshirt is what we want to see happen but at the back of the sweatshirt the subconscious, underlying belief that contradicts the affirmation is printed in big, bold capital letters.  For example, I might have a sweatshirt that reads “I Am Unique and Capable” in front but at the back it says “I Am Not Good Enough”.

I am all for positive affirmations and positive thinking.  However, I recently realised that I feel helpless when I am encouraging someone to think positively and they come back with a response that states their “reality” of the situation.  I feel unable to “rescue” (my favourite drama position) them when this happens!  Then I find myself judging them and asking internally, how they ever expect to change and achieve what they want if they can’t even think right!  This happened so often that I decided to reverse the situation and look at myself.  What was it about them not wanting to think positively or change their ways that was irritating me that much?  They say, that which irritates us in others is usually our projection onto them of who we are.  So what part of me was I projecting onto others?

I found myself stuck with myself, if that makes any sense, and I started looking into Berne’s Games People Play for a solution.  I was doing all the positive affirmations myself, just as I was trying to get others in my circle to do the same, but at the back of my mind I was really believing the opposite and coming up with every excuse as to why things could not change.  Yes, I was already stuck in my beliefs of who I am and could be, so much so that I was not really open to allowing the positive affirmations to take root.

In the past, I thought if I simply continuously made positive affirmations with regards to what I wanted in my life, everything will fall into place and I will eventually get what I wanted in life.  But that was not what was happening in reality.  I had all the positive affirmations I needed and I was very good at coming up with more and expressing them as and when I needed them.  Yet not much was happening by way of reality reflecting my positive affirmations.

So I decided to pinpoint every negative underlying belief that went with my positive statement.  I said to myself, for every positive statement that I had in a particular situation, I would search within to see and stay with any underlying belief that was holding me back.  The intention here was not to reinforce the belief but to question its validity and find out where and why I could have come to such a conclusion. It was disheartening to say the least, to find that I came up with a limiting belief for almost every affirmation I had.

For example, my positive affirmation for getting a better paid job was and still is, “I am the best candidate for this job”.  This affirmation, Instantly provokes my insecurities and much as I try to stay with the affirmation and feel it in my bones, the nagging self doubt and negative beliefs continue to stir up and float on the surface, overshadowing and clouding my best intentions to affirm that I qualify for any higher paid job.  Such negative beliefs come in the form of reasons why I don’t qualify for a job.  They could be reasons like, “of course you don’t know that you are the best”!  “There are definitely others better qualified than you”.  “This job is being advertised out of formality, the company already has an idea of who they want to employ; in fact they already have someone lined up for the job and you are not that person”.  “You haven’t got enough experience to do the job!” “People like you cannot work in such an environment”.  And on and on it goes!

In the past these underlying thoughts and beliefs have actually stopped me from applying for positions that I felt I could competently fill.  I am gradually, consciously learning to cease playing the “Yes, But” game with myself and with others.  It needs a lot of belief in myself accompanied by a strong knowledge of my capabilities and a desire to obtain relevant information on subjects that I will like to improve on, but it is fun to think and act outside the box, my box.  It is also fun to watch myself play the “Yes, But” game with myself with the intention of matching the statements on the front and back of my sweatshirt.  Why don't you give it a try?  No "Yes, But" answers please!

Intention and the Drama/Winner Triangle

The Drama triangle was first introduced by Stephen Karpman in 1986 as a way of explaining the different roles that we choose to play in life.  The way we relate to each other and the roles we choose to play in these relationships are greatly influenced by our personalities and, depending on our conditioning and beliefs, we approach most of our social interactions either as a Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim.  We can and we do switch from one to the other even within a single interaction.  The three roles are intertwined! So when a person changes positions, the other people involved also shift their roles as well.

Thus, every Victim requires a Persecutor and a Rescuer to be a Victim!  A Persecutor is not necessarily a person; it could be a condition like a disease, injury, heart attack etc or a circumstance like a natural disaster in life.

In life we unconsciously act out our beliefs and the messages we received from our childhood care-givers and the environment.  These imbedded messages lead us to take up psychological positions and roles in life which further reinforce our beliefs that are subsequently manifested in the roles we play in life.   Much as it is unbelievable and scary, we do take up life roles and positions quite early on in life and even select our friends, partners and associates to suit these life positions.  For example a person with an imbedded, subconscious belief that men or people are not to be trusted will end up attracting relationships with others that will re-enforce this belief; they will constantly find fault in others.  Their way might appear to be the only way!  When the relationship finally ends because of their nagging, complaints and manipulation, they will conclude, with evidence of course, that they were right all along!  What your mind focuses on, expands!

There was a colleague of mine at work who, at a certain time I strongly felt was “persecuting” me.  From where I was standing, she complained about everything I did or didn’t do!  At that time, I wasted so much energy and time focusing on how badly I was being treated.  I went over and over the different conversations I’d had with her, the different looks she’d given me, the times she ignored me or said something that I felt was an insult to me!  Then I went through what I could have said to her or would say to her if I did speak to her!  I was going to remind her of all the times that she had literally put me down, criticised me in public and made me feel as small as an ant!  I literally worked myself up trying to figure out how I would sort her out; let her know once and for all that I felt persecuted by her and possibly recount all the incidences and evidence that had led me to this conclusion.  But then I thought, would that stop her from persecuting me? In her mind, does she even believe she is persecuting me?  What would I achieve by "antagonising" her? What would I gain by simply recounting to her the times I felt she discounted me? Is it not possible that I was discounting myself all along?  That I had given away my power to speak up for myself and express how I thought, felt and needed?  What would change after this confrontation?  I then decided I would have to approach her and my problem with a different mindset if I wanted my circumstances to change.

Using the drama triangle, I instantly recognised that I had put myself up as a Victim in the above scenario!  A victim who saw my colleague as my persecutor and my only option was to stop her; make her change!  And since it was almost impossible that I could change her, I felt helpless!  What to do?  I had to decide on what I really wanted to achieve by speaking to my colleague and bringing up issues that were in the past.  What was my intention?  Where should my focus be?  Is it her job to make me feel happy at work?  Did I simply want to let her know that she was my Persecutor?  Did I want to approach her as the Victim that I felt I was or was I attempting to rescue her from herself?  What was my intention in having this talk with my colleague?  Most of all, why was I focusing on her behaviour towards me?  Shouldn’t I be looking into how I attracted this into my experience; how my thoughts and feelings about myself created my attitude and behaviour towards her?  Even then it was still easy to see myself as a Victim and simply blame her for every nasty experience I’d had while interacting with her.

Blaming her for her behaviour will make me her Persecutor and her my Victim; trying to rescue her because I believe she is a victim of her unconscious behaviour will not get me far either.  I needed a strategy, a way of letting her know I felt persecuted by her and at the same time find ways in which we could both work harmoniously together.  Should I just be a Persecutor and blame her for her behaviour?  Should I rock that apparent stability at the work place by confronting my demons, speaking up for myself and letting my colleague know she is not as perfect as she thinks she is?  That blaming and criticising others doesn’t make her a better worker or person! This approach will certainly be reinforcing the drama I wanted so much to stop and I would have simply switched positions from Victim to Persecutor! Most of all, is it even necessary to bring up the past?

This sounds so trivial, but imagine yourself going through this same thought process with a couple of people at work!  Imagine the same scenario recurring at home or with most of your relationships with others.  Imagine the anxiety we create out of something so small.  We tend to snowball simple interactions into anxious long-term experiences that we keep falling back on as evidence to torture ourselves and the other.  We create dilemmas where none really existed.  If we had simply just looked into ourselves and noticed what the event triggered in us or why it triggered those emotions and reactions from us we would have realised that it had more to do with our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and others.   But we continue to look outside of ourselves – to people and circumstances - for our sense of safety and security.  We continue to believe that our happiness and sense of self is determined by what happens to us; that it depends on the actions and behaviours of others and our environment.  As Victims we refuse to see what the situation is teaching us about ourselves and continue to focus on the “problem” – the other person, the situation or circumstances.

As a Victim, I can be “defensive, submissive, over-accommodating to others, passive-aggressive in conflict, dependent on others for self-worth, overly sensitive and even manipulative” (Emerald, 2012).  As a victim in the above scenario, I appeared to fit into every one of these categories. I was defensive and totally declined to admit even to myself that I had in some way been over-accommodating to the point where I could not express my thoughts during conversations.  I felt sad when I realised this especially as I always thought of myself as being strong, understanding and open!  I felt even sadder just thinking of the possibility that the energy I was bringing to my interactions at work was that of a Victim!  It was hard to acknowledge that I was helpless, out of control and unable to change things for the better.  Could I have also been believing and owning all these negative characteristics and consequently manifesting them in other interactions in my life?  Whatever we hold in my mind tends to manifest itself.  As Jon-Kabat Zinn puts it, "wherever you go, there you are"!

I realised that almost all of my thoughts and actions had been focused on what was being done to me and how I could fix it.  Fixing it meant the problem was out there.  It meant me trying harder and harder to be and act in certain ways that I thought would be acceptable to my colleagues.  They also, if I had anything to do with it, would be manipulated into behaving in specific ways just so I would feel secure and happy.  My intention all along was to create and experience a harmonious work place.  I thought I could only do this by focusing on and adapting my behaviour and where possible the behaviour of others! I didn't even think of what that work environment would look like; what would I be creating?  I now know, however, that I can’t achieve that harmonious working environment from a place of drama – especially not as a Victim!

So what was the vision or outcome I envisioned for my future interactions with my colleague and others at work?  How was I going to change the dynamics at work to better enhance my experience?  What did I want to create from this experience?  I had to re-evaluate my intentions for interactions and the ways and means of communicating and achieving them.  Were my intentions to get rid of and away from my perceived problems, i.e. the person who I saw as persecuting me or was it to create a better, clearer vision and/or outcome for myself and others?  Where was I focusing my attention?  On my problems or on clearly perceived visions? Is the intention to change others so I can feel better about myself or is it really create harmony at work?  If it is to create harmony at work, how would it help me if I focused on undermining who the other person is?  Also, do I need to be someone else in order to achieve this?

All good thinking but then I noticed that because I had been so good at focusing on my problems in my Victim position, it wasn't that easy to see through the problem into the solution – the vision and outcome from the problem.  I could explain in detail, what I didn’t want but found it so hard to know what I wanted.  It shouldn’t be difficult, right?  Knowing what you don’t want should automatically lead you into knowing what you do want!  I’d become so hyper-vigilant around this colleague, always anticipating the next problem when interacting with her that all I could see in this situation were problems. She was my Persecutor, full stop!

Yet, I had a choice about how to relate to those experiences, however difficult or painful the present, past or future experience is, was or would be.  If I however identified myself as a victim, my choices would be greatly limited!

Instead of seeing myself as and staying a Victim, I needed to switch to being a Creator.  But what could I create from this situation.  The fear of upsetting the whole dynamic at my work place and creating a completely new culture just to please my instincts and feelings was scary.  However, if I had to feel good about myself, I needed to listen to my true self.  I needed to address the issue now so as to avoid it happening again and also to create a deeper, soothing space within.

But how do I achieve this outcome?  First of all I needed to focus my attention on what I wanted to achieve.  In the victim position, I’d learned so well to focus on the problem.  It would take a while before I get results but by doing ordinary, daily stuff like having a conversation with a colleague instead of with myself, being more informed about stuff before acting, I would achieve my goal in the long run.  In the past I’d been afraid of conversations and had jumped to conclusions and acted based on these ill-informed conclusions!  In my Victim position I’d hoped that the other person will “just know” what I was thinking and feeling and the problem would resolve itself.  Other times, I had been moody and withdrawn soon after I felt I was being persecuted!  What a shame!  All that time wasted when I could have been focusing on being a Creator and not a Victim!  I could have focused my intention on learning about myself from each interaction and growing from the experience.

Yes, I had to re-evaluate my intentions and focus on what I wanted to create for myself and others I interacted with.  This has been my guiding light each time I had a conflict to resolve, be it at work or at home. Intention, intention!  No more drama!  You will get drama if you focus on playing the role of Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim! (That's not to say that these roles are not legitimate and realistic at times - that's a completely different write up for some other time)!  However, if you recognise that you can be and are Vulnerable at times, you will learn from this vulnerability to create what you want from it.  In the same way, instead of picking on others' fault, you can opt to be assertive and challenge any behaviour you feel is not appropriate at work.  The Rescuer instead of rescuing everyone they feel incapable of doing a job, could instead opt to be just as caring by coaching their perceived Victim(s). It is all about not getting hooked into the drama!