In a culture where listening to each other is not cultivated, bullying can easily become the way to get what we want. And unfortunately, for some of us, there is that belief deep within us, that this is our only means of getting what we want, leading us to quietly manipulate and harass others into giving us what we want. This behaviour in turn is reinforced each time we succeed in getting our way through intimidation or manipulation.
Bullying can be so subtle and pervasive, that the person being bullied ends up not even sure if he/she was bullied or not. That is because any form of manipulation or intimidation, slowly but surely chips away our self-confidence and replaces it with thoughts of self-doubt and self-worth.
In a setting, like a work environment, where our competitive nature is triggered, it is very easy for our unconscious bias to run amuck, preventing us to listen to others’ perspectives, ideas and views and instead, talk others down and bully them into seeing and doing things our way.
I had a recent encounter with someone that prompted me to re-evaluate the way I interact with others. This particular interaction was one where I made a request and the other person immediately became very much passively aggressive and basically tried to intimidate me into agreeing with their point of view. At the time I didn’t label it as bullying but the more I think about it in the context in which my request was made, the more I think there was some form of intimidation and possibly bullying going on. From my point of view, this person attempted in their response to my request, to induce fear in me and subsequently stop me from asking for and having what I was requesting for.
Upon reflecting on this incident, I began to notice a pattern of situations whereby I had crumbled and given up on following through with my requests for my needs to be met because I felt intimidated and compelled by others’ attitudes and behavioural response to my requests to the point where I recoiled and stopped the process of seeking to have my needs met. I realised that in all of these incidents, I felt, even though I couldn’t put a finger on it, that there was something not right. I was also unable to come up with a different, workable plan to get my needs met, though my thinking mind. My needs were not met and I struggled communicating the ‘need’ to the other person or persons in a way that they would hear and interact with me so we could both come to a win-win conclusion and solution.
This further led me to reflect on my intention at the time my request in each scenario was made. Was my request genuine or was it simply an indirect way of imposing my views and position on the matter? Was my intention simply my way to show that I had rights that needed to be respected? Had I in anyway also attempted to bully the other person to give me what I wanted? Or was my request simply not heard the way I had intended it to be heard?
What did I say with my words/voice and attitude and what did the other person hear? Was there a disconnect in the interaction and if so, at what point in our interaction did the disconnect happen?
I believe, we can often unintentionally, come across as intimidating when our intention does not align with our spoken, expressed and communicated message. It is possible for us to unintentionally create a disconnect with each other when we speak with the intention to be accepted, respected or agreed with; when our focus is what we want and should get from the other. On the other hand, becoming aware of our intention and aligning this with our spoken words will reduce bullying attitudes and behaviour. Also, the chances of a disconnect occurring in our interactions will be greatly reduced in situations where the foundation of our communication is built on what is important to the other, as we would most probably be speaking to the position already taken by the other thereby communicating our message in a way that will make them listen.
Intimidation/Bullying/Competitive Spirit
There is something good in everyone of us, something that others value, love and respect. If we search for and build on these qualities, the chances of connecting to listen and support each other will be very high and bullying and intimidation will no longer be needed as a means to getting our needs met!
I also believe that most bullies tend to manipulate and intimidate others from a place of insecurity. They are often very insecure and afraid of losing something. These are usually people whose self-image is tied to a particular ego and position in life and who unconsciously, feel the need to continuously fight to maintain that self-image and position.
Yet, the person being bullied will be affected by the bully only to the extent in which their own ego and self-image is affected. Acknowledging that the bully cannot usurp your talent, gift or knowledge; that your worth and self-esteem does not diminish simply because another person refuses to acknowledge and respect you, can help you see the bully for who they are – frightened, insecure and in need of much love.
