In a culture where listening to each other is not cultivated, bullying can easily become the way to get what we want.  And unfortunately, for some of us, there is that belief deep within us, that this is our only means of getting what we want, leading us to quietly manipulate and harass others into giving us what we want.  This behaviour in turn is reinforced each time we succeed in getting our way through intimidation or manipulation.

 

Bullying can be so subtle and pervasive, that the person being bullied ends up not even sure if he/she was bullied or not.  That is because any form of manipulation or intimidation, slowly but surely chips away our self-confidence and replaces it with thoughts of self-doubt and self-worth.

 

In a setting, like a work environment, where our competitive nature is triggered, it is very easy for our unconscious bias to run amuck, preventing us to listen to others’ perspectives, ideas and views and instead, talk others down and bully them into seeing and doing things our way.

 

I had a recent encounter with someone that prompted me to re-evaluate the way I interact with others.  This particular interaction was one where I made a request and the other person immediately became very much passively aggressive and basically tried to intimidate me into agreeing with their point of view.  At the time I didn’t label it as bullying but the more I think about it in the context in which my request was made, the more I think there was some form of intimidation and possibly bullying going on.  From my point of view, this person attempted in their response to my request, to induce fear in me and subsequently stop me from asking for and having what I was requesting for.

 

Upon reflecting on this incident, I began to notice a pattern of situations whereby I had crumbled and given up on following through with my requests for my needs to be met because I felt intimidated and compelled by others’ attitudes and behavioural response to my requests to the point where I recoiled and stopped the process of seeking to have my needs met.  I realised that in all of these incidents, I felt, even though I couldn’t put a finger on it, that there was something not right.  I was also unable to come up with a different, workable plan to get my needs met, though my thinking mind.  My needs were not met and I struggled communicating the ‘need’ to the other person or persons in a way that they would hear and interact with me so we could both come to a win-win conclusion and solution.

 

This further led me to reflect on my intention at the time my request in each scenario was made.  Was my request genuine or was it simply an indirect way of imposing my views and position on the matter?  Was my intention simply my way to show that I had rights that needed to be respected?  Had I in anyway also attempted to bully the other person to give me what I wanted?  Or was my request simply not heard the way I had intended it to be heard?  

 

What did I say with my words/voice and attitude and what did the other person hear?  Was there a disconnect in the interaction and if so, at what point in our interaction did the disconnect happen?  

 

I believe, we can often unintentionally, come across as intimidating when our intention does not align with our spoken, expressed and communicated message.  It is possible for us to unintentionally create a disconnect with each other when we speak with the intention to be accepted, respected or agreed with; when our focus is what we want and should get from the other.  On the other hand, becoming aware of our intention and aligning this with our spoken words will reduce bullying attitudes and behaviour. Also, the chances of a disconnect occurring in our interactions will be greatly reduced in situations where the foundation of our communication is built on what is important to the other, as we would most probably be speaking to the position already taken by the other thereby communicating our message in a way that will make them listen.

 Intimidation/Bullying/Competitive Spirit

There is something good in everyone of us, something that others value, love and respect. If we search for and build on these qualities, the chances of connecting to listen and support each other will be very high and bullying and intimidation will no longer be needed as a means to getting our needs met!

 

I also believe that most bullies tend to manipulate and intimidate others from a place of insecurity.  They are often very insecure and afraid of losing something.  These are usually people whose self-image is tied to a particular ego and position in life and who unconsciously, feel the need to continuously fight to maintain that self-image and position.

 

Yet, the person being bullied will be affected by the bully only to the extent in which their own ego and self-image is affected.  Acknowledging that the bully cannot usurp your talent, gift or knowledge; that your worth and self-esteem does not diminish simply because another person refuses to acknowledge and respect you, can help you see the bully for who they are – frightened, insecure and in need of much love.

 

Next time when you are tempted to force, coerce, intimidate or compel another by bullying them into taking a certain action or agreeing to a specific point of view, remember that there are positive ways of achieving the same results; results that will probably last longer because you would built a strong connection in the process. On the other hand, if you are the one being bullied, remember that you are also responsible in part, by the way you interact and communicate with others.  Be sure your verbal and non-verbal communication is aligned with your intention to avoid being mis-heard!

Is it possible to create a drama-free ending to our scripts?

You often hear people in conversations, state that a relation “is not a very nice person”; or “was not a good mother/father”, thus implying that, from their experience and point of view, certain individuals tasked with certain roles in their lives, were not and/or have not carried out their roles responsibly and according to their expectations.  Without disagreeing and/or questioning their interpretation of their experience, I invite you to look beyond your own story with the intention of modifying your script.

There are certain childhood memories that are still very vivid in our minds.  Memories that invite us to live through the drama, mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically.  We tell our story to ourselves to reinforce our belief that the other person is to be blamed for whatever is happening to us now.  We portray ourselves as the victim of that story, which by the way, only lives on in our memory, and expect that someone will come to our rescue even when we are not so sure as to how they can rescue us.

Today, I am asking you to look beyond that script that played out in your life months or years ago.  I am inviting you to sit back and watch as part of an audience, preferably as the one you blame for inflicting this unforgettable pain on you.  Most of all, I am asking you to find the hidden message in the drama as it unfolds.   Why, you ask?  Because I believe when we look deeper into our story and the experience thereof, we will always find that we added something to our character; something that strengthened our personality.  There is a positive lesson from every experience that we often unconsciously decide to ignore, yet take on as part of our personality.  I invite you to explore the idea that we consciously and/or subconsciously make decisions that can be changed when we become more informed.

My mother was never one for verbal interaction.  I am not sure whether this was by choice or simply for her to use her long, silent pauses for maximum effect.  I can remember as a teenager making cheeky remarks to her face about her parenting methods.  I can still see her very clearly, in our tiny living room, sitting on the couch opposite me, listening in silence while I gave her a lecture on who a good parent is.  She listened, quietly to my discounted view of her as a parent.  She listened, while I basically told her, her communication style was flawed and that she should make an effort to interact more with me verbally.  I can still see her listening quietly, without interrupting, rubbing her hands together with a broad smile on her face.  And, I can still hear her in response, right at the end of my long speech, make a sound that neither indicated to me, her approval or disapproval of my opinionated ‘words of wisdom’.  

As I narrate this story, I can still feel the frustration that her calm attitude created in me and I can hear the 17-year old me thinking, why doesn’t she just act like I want her to?  Why doesn’t she, as my mother, tell me what is right and what is wrong?  Why doesn’t she just tell me what to do?   Yeah, I can still see me, sitting opposite my mother, thinking and feeling all righteous, attempting to instruct my mother on how to be ok as a parent. Yet, looking back now I am happy she never gave in or got hooked into my game. I am glad she made the hard decision to allow me to be an adult even at that age.

I also remember at an even earlier age, when I needed my mother to tell me what to do. This was when my family relocated to the city. I remember specifically my first day in that new city school, as a toddler.  Two of my siblings and I were attending the same primary school for the first time where, incidentally our mother had also just got a new job as a teacher.  So, that morning, all of four of us walked to school, together.  My siblings and I walking behind our mother.  We all arrived at the school campus, an L-shaped building with a wide open, gravelled area extending into some bushes in front of the building.  My elder sister and brother both found, and made their way into their classrooms.  For some unknown reason, probably my subconscious mind telling me that my mother should tell me where to go, I made no attempt to look for or enquire which one of these rooms was my classroom.  Instead, I stayed outside, played with some gravel and anything I could find interesting as a 4-year old toddler, and waited for my mother or someone to come and get me and show me to my class.  I can still remember the feeling of anxiety with each passing minute, as I sat on the pebbled stones, listening to the echoes of children’s voices, chiming in with the teachers’ low-baritone voice, and no one in sight to talk to me and lead me to my classroom.

My mother eventually came out of her classroom, not very pleased that I had decided to stay outside the classroom; scolded me for not being responsible and adult enough to search for and place myself into my appropriate classroom and then, thankfully, took me to my classroom.

That was my mother alright.  Typically, never giving you clear instructions as to how to think, be and do stuff but allowing us her children, the capacity to think for ourselves. I found that quite hard to accept that this was her chosen way to bring us up to be responsible adults.  I discounted her parenting methods, told myself that as an adult, she was not ok.  Yet, I now realise she knew all along that she was ok and was simply permitting and allowing me to come to the realisation that I was ok too.

Yes, my mother generally expected that I should know what I liked and subsequently find positive ways of getting it.  By the time that I was 17, I had come to an understanding that my mother’s parenting style was quite laid back, and that, that was ok.  

Why am I telling you all these?  I know you probably have similar stories and experiences that possibly pop into your mind; stories that tend to take you down the line of blame and thoughts that imply that if your parents or caregivers had behaved or parented you differently, you would have turned out to be a better human being.  While that may be true, it is also true that we can’t go back and change the events that shaped who we are today. For so long, I looked back on events and experiences in my life but never, as the saying goes, ‘read between the lines’ of the script. It is only when I started aligning the stories to who I am today that I realised that my mother, consciously or unconsciously had brought me up to be independent; to learn to think for myself and most of all to express my needs openly and with the expectation that these would be met.

I believe our personalities are co-created with the help of our parents and care-givers.  But if we focus only on the negative effects they might have had on us during our formative years, we will never notice and maximise the positive effects they are having in our personalities.  More often than not, we hang on to negative feelings of those past experiences, mentally persecuting our parents and/or caregivers while ignoring the hidden lessons and messages from the experience.  These experiences could be a good place to start looking for our true selves if and when we decide to go beyond the drama, read between the lines of the script, to find the hidden positive message.  This hidden message would also eventually, support us to find our own voice and to use that voice to re-create another script that gives us a future that includes our present needs.

I invite you to use hindsight, to grow into the person that you always longed to be as a child.