Everything happening in your life is a reflection of what is going on within you!

This is so hard to believe.  I know because I battle with this idea all the time.  I blame the other person or persons for every obstacle I have to face.  I blame my circumstances and the environment and make all kinds of excuses and reasons why I cannot and could not have contributed to my present and past situation(s).  On the other hand, I readily take credit for the good things that come my way.  I claim a 100% credit for all the successful outcomes in my life and scarcely ever think of all the people that could have contributed to my success story!  That is simply being human and yet, I have recently learned that everything happening in my life is a reflection of what is going on within me.  My thoughts about myself, conscious and subconscious all contribute to both the way I experience life as well as my experiences in life.

I attended a workshop about a week ago organised and ran by a well-known TA Trainer and Psychotherapist, Ken Mellor on “Expanding in Spirit”.  The last part of the workshop emphasized the importance of using every situation and experience in life to get to know ourselves better; a way to discover who we are and most of all as an indicator that we still need to dig deeper to learn what the situation is teaching us about ourselves as a person.  This is crucial for people who really want to know who they are and since I am one of those people, I decided to put it to the test.  His advice was that we see past the situation/problem/circumstance and look within to find out how we attracted and became part of the experience.

I followed his advise and did just that!  In fact, I took the advice literally and decided to explore what I could learn about myself.  My first test was to find out the ways in which I was contributing to some complaints made re my person and my work.  It was a difficult choice considering that the same complaint had been made more than once by my colleagues to my supervisor.  It was definitely difficult getting past the thought that my co-workers disliked me because I was “different” and did things differently and that because of this supposed dislike for me they would make up all kinds of negative stories about me!  I am that important right?  There was my ego completely inflated to the max that I could barely see past this idea that they had it in for me; and would do or say anything to bring me down; that I was right and they were completely wrong in their judgement of me.  I spent so much energy figuring out how I could convince them to see and do things my way.  I tried minimally to change my attitude and way of thinking but still found myself thinking, there must be something wrong with them if they cannot see things the way I see them!

The complaints about how I did my job within the team simply would not go away and when for the third time my supervisor brought it up I boldly and fearlessly said, “well, as long as my conscience is clear and those complaining are unable to come up with concrete examples of the unacceptable actions they are complaining about, I am going to continue doing what I am doing”.  Yet, I could not stop myself from thinking about the complaints and how I could resolve them by resolving the conflict it was causing between me and my colleagues.

I am not saying that some of my colleagues are not really nasty and would sometimes tell little fibs and even big lies just to make themselves look good while painting me and others black!  No, that’s not what I am saying.  You will always have people like that not only at work but in most places;  people who think it is by putting others down that they can become successful and respected.  What I am saying is that, there was and still is something about me, something going on in my thoughts about myself that attracts people, situations and experiences like these.  That part of me was what I was determined to find out.

After long and endless, unsuccessful “thought-full” days, attempting to decipher my contribution to the conflict, I decided the only way forward was to make an official request through my supervisor that my team sat together and openly discuss why some team members felt so strongly opposed to my way of doing things.  None of them had complained to me directly and I felt an open platform with a facilitator will ease the process and also allow me to express my point of view.  I was going to do this by sending an email to my supervisor requesting her to set up such a meeting so we could all clear the air once and for all.  As soon as I got to the point in the email where I was explaining that I felt I had done no wrong and that my way of doing things was right until it was proven otherwise, something clicked in me.  I remembered a childhood experience where I’d been in a similar position.

I remembered and felt the feelings that came with that experience and the decision I’d made at that time as to how I would behave from then on.  At that instant, my behaviour and resistance to change at work all made sense.  I cringed at the thought that all this had been playing out in my life all this while, yet, I was so happy that I finally understood how I could have been attracting some people and situations in my life and most of all that the persistent complaints from my colleagues had pushed me into looking into myself to resolve the conflict.  Needless to say I never sent the email!  Even if I do ask for a team discussion, I will be fully present to negotiate my corner having understood myself better!  I am however, not going to run to my colleagues and declare to them that I finally realised they were somehow right all along!!  Far from it!  I am still keeping some of my ego, thank you very much!!  However, I am confident that as my thoughts and beliefs about myself change, the situation, conflict and relationship with my colleagues will regulate itself positively.

On my part, I am going to do something even harder – re-live those feelings and thoughts and clear them from my system once and for all!  Yes, the hardest part for me is to face the truth about myself and how my false self has been influencing my behaviour and then replace the beliefs and thoughts that created and attracted the situation in the first place with positive thoughts and beliefs.  Painful memories are usually blocked and locked away in our subconscious mind.  Little do we know that they still influence a big chunk of how we live our lives.  The memory that I recalled was an emotionally painful incident which I locked away and hoped that I would never re-live and/or re-experience it.  Unfortunately, I have been subconsciously re-living it with others who replaced the actual people with whom I had the first experience.  I guess I just have to consciously do that now in order to make peace with myself and those who became substitute actors and also unconsciously got involved in the game!  After all I am an adult now with updated data to help me understand and see things differently.

Yes, I will continue to use my experiences, especially those that come in the form of obstacles, as an indicator that there is a blockage of some sort within me (especially in my subconscious mind), that needs to be removed so I can live a fuller life!

We all have our own obstacles in life!  Remember that obstacles, whatever form they take, are not opposing you, but merely and gently re-routing you!  Everything happening in your life is a reflection of what is going on within you!  Rise to the occasion and change your life for the better!

Let's talk TO each other not ABOUT each other

We spend so much time talking about each other instead of talking to each other!  I read this somewhere recently and it got me thinking of all the times I have bitched about others or listened to others bitch about someone else without calling them out on it!  I’ll say we spend so much time talking about each other there is little or no time to talk to each other.  We talk around each other and expect that there will be some changes in the other's behaviour!

Assuming that when we talk about others behind their backs it is usually to criticise or say something negative about them, why is it so easy or easier to do so with others instead of speaking directly to the one concerned?  Why do we find it easier to complain about each other’s behaviour and actions to others except to the person(s) actually involved in the action? I believe we would solve a lot more problems, and create better relationships if we could cultivate the habit of confronting one another with our perceived unacceptable behaviour and actions.  If we learned to speak to the person(s) concerned about issues that concern them, we will be able to resolve the issue(s) there and then.  Well, assuming that, there will be no sparks, accusations and counter accusations flying all over the place!  At least the other person will be aware of what they are supposedly doing that annoys the other and will get the chance to give his/her own side of the story while the complainant will be able express his/her grievance directly to the accused.

Open and honest conversation is also quite therapeutic if we face it with an open mind.  I find that my feelings towards the other person changes only temporarily when I don’t speak directly to them about an issue that involves them.  If I am angry or unhappy with someone and speak to some other person about my discontent, I end up feeling guilty for talking behind their back and at the same time hope that they don’t get to know about it.   At the same time I’ll be hoping that they change their behaviour towards me!  But how is that going to happen when they are not even aware that I have a problem with them.

At work, colleagues sometimes expect new-comers to do their jobs perfectly yet would not directly tell them when they go wrong or fail to pick up the culture of the organisation straight away.

Yes, we don’t really expect that a person changes their ways of thinking and behaving by talking behind their back do we?  Maybe we do!  At least if we are honest, we expect the other person we are talking to about some other person to agree with and confirm our view of the other and possibly contribute some other evidence that corroborates our perception.

On the one hand, we are afraid to hurt the other person by telling them the truth as we see it.  We are also scared of a full blown confrontation.  So we decide to gauge the views of others neutral to the situation.  If they agree with us that the person we are talking about is exactly the way we perceive them to be, we are happy and feel good about ourselves.  That also convinces us that we were right all along and reinforces our belief that there is something wrong with the other person and they need to change.

On the other hand, assuming that we can make others change for us, the person being talked about cannot change if they do not even know what we are thinking and saying about them.  Secondly, the people we are talking to will also be influenced in their perception of the one being discussed.  It is quite difficult to listen to all the stories, good or bad, about someone and remain neutral in our behaviour towards them.  One way or another our interaction with them will be influenced by what we have heard.  We will end up using the frame of reference of others in our interactions with the person spoken about thereby ultimately limiting our experience to theirs.

Talking about each other is quite common in work situations where relationships are not so intimate.  In the hope that their views would be accepted as the best option to take, managers and colleagues constantly talk past each other without listening to or allowing the other person to express their own thoughts and feelings.

It will be refreshing, if we could all make an effort to have a conversation with each other; a conversation where both parties are fully contributing to the discussion.  A conversation where we allow each other to express their thoughts and feelings.  This is the best way we can show respect for each other; the only way we can accept that we are different and therefore can think and feel differently about stuff.

Most of all, let's talk TO each other instead of ABOUT each other!