My Evolving True Self

Some of us live our lives trying so hard to manage the thoughts we think others have about us.  Our lives become guided and directed by what we believe others think, would or might think of us!  We neglect being our True Self because we are so focused on acting according to societal and family demands.  Eventually, we forget what it means to BE ourselves.  This Adapted Self is our Ideal Self, the Self that we project to the rest of the world.  Our Ideal Self is constricted and contracted in awareness and is often in conflict with our Real Self, the individual that we are.  Who we are, our Real Self, is relaxed, comfortable no matter the circumstances or situation we find ourselves in.  Our Real Self is expanded in awareness!

I am often torn between giving myself the satisfaction of expressing my deepest feelings and thoughts and holding back these feelings and thoughts in order to please the other.  More often than not I give into the latter and that often leaves me with a feeling of dissatisfaction and awkwardness.  I do not feel comfortable when I compromise who I am just for the sake of amicability.  Yet, I do compromise most of the time!  But, is it ever proper to simply be one’s self, act and speak your truth the way you think and perceive it and damn the consequences? Can we act whichever way we feel like with little or no regard to the others around us?  What makes us conform to society’s and other people’s norms and values or others’ way of thinking, perceived or otherwise?

Our upbringing and environment conditions us to think, feel and behave in certain ways.  It provides us with the techniques for survival in life which we eventually mistake for the real, authentic way of being.  These techniques for survival, these ways of being are our ego, our false self.  The online Oxford Dictionary defines the Ego as:  “a person’s sense of self esteem or self-importance”.  In Psychoanalysis, “it is that part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity”.  Thus, the type of person that I am, my ego can be observed in my personality.  This thought alone (that my ego can be perceived in personality) provokes an examination of my conscience, not in the light of my True Self but in the light of how well I have been presenting my Ideal Self!  How sad!

There really shouldn’t be any conflict between our Ideal selves and our Real selves if we act out of integrity, integrity being the key word.  Integrity here is defined as the state of being whole and undivided!  Integrity also gives us a feeling of oneness with ourselves.  I would think this feeling of oneness with ourselves, a feeling that also comes with being our real selves would be something to work towards; something to cherish and cultivate.  Yet, it appears it is easier to cultivate our Ideal projected self!

My ego oftentimes, limits and even over-shadows and suppresses the expression of my Authentic Real Self.  Possibly because the ego is the only knowledgeable form of psychological protection I’ve got to regulate my interactions and at the same time feel safe and protected.  I have also in the past, based my choice of jobs and career on what my Ideal Projected Self (my ego) needed and wanted!  I felt ashamed and did not feel comfortable engaging in conversation relating to my work if I perceived it job title and position as not the “it” position by the standards of society or a job for someone of my calibre!  Yet, I never felt happier or more satisfied when I moved to another job perceived by society as a high status job!  Going after certain jobs, behaving and interacting with others in a certain way, was the trusted way I knew how to live my live without provoking conflict or stepping into unknown territory.

Matheson, (1998) points out that the ego unconsciously and automatically regulates and maintains our psychic equilibrium.  He believes the Authentic, Real Self functions as a parallel to the ego.  It does not encompass the ego but uses some of its functions to accomplish its tasks.  That means, if our Ideal Self were to work in collaboration with our Real Self, we would understand and move closer to our Real Self and become the best that we could be.  To achieve this, we would need to step out of our contracted awareness; the awareness that limits us to our beliefs, assumptions and perceptions.  Letting go, or at least questioning these beliefs and assumptions will expand our awareness and perception in life and allow us to have a more fulfilling experience.

Berne’s Ego State Model (1972) suggests that our egos are ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that we have learnt from childhood from our caregivers or parents.  It is also the way we thought, felt and behaved as children.  However, as we grow, we accumulate data, we collect more information that updates what we learned as children.  Consequently, our way of seeing and interacting with others and the world changes with every experience that we have as individuals.

Berne (1972), divided the ego into 3 different ego states (See diagram below).  Each reflects the way one thinks, feels and behaves when they are in that ego state.  For example, we would be thinking, feeling and behaving from a Parent Ego state if we copied a parent figure’s ways of thinking, feeling and believing without questioning the rightness or wrongness of the thought, feeling or belief.  Likewise, we would be in a Child ego state if we acted, felt and thought the same way we did when we were children in a present moment situation.  These ego states are coherent systems of thought and feeling manifested by corresponding patterns of behaviour that are very often unconscious. Yet, our Authentic Real Self can only be expressed if we became consciously aware and spontaneous in our interactions.  In fact, Berne’s characteristics of an autonomous person which he equates to an authentic person, are awareness, spontaneity and intimacy.

Berne’s ego states model as shown in the diagram below, indicates how our ways of thinking, feeling and behaving are influenced moment by moment by the contents of our Parent, Adult and Child (PAC) ego states with the Adult using the Parent and the Child contents to evaluate and decide on the best action to take in the here and now.

Berne's Ego States Model

Adapted from Eric Berne, M.D., 1972

Each ego state contains the historical and biological components of one’s personality.  So, like any other person, I use my ego states to function in society; I use it to relate to myself, others and the environment and the information from all of my 3 ego states influences the ways and means by which I interact and integrate socially.

Unfortunately, this False Self, the ego, is not adaptive to real life.  It is there simply to act as a defence and it does become quite defensive when attacked; it protects us from and against painful feelings and situations.  And as Masterson (1988) points out, it achieves this goal at the cost of mastering reality because the reality is encapsulated in a fixed frame of reference.  It is only by facing and staying with the reality (looking into, staying with and acting from one’s feelings) that one’s True Self begins to develop.  This development begins with awareness of self.  It starts by simply being and connecting with our feelings.  Our bodily feelings will tell us how congruent our actions and thoughts are to our Real Self.  Reflective thinking, after we have connected to our feelings would help us see and accept the reality and often also guides us to a better decision for the future.

One’s Real Self can be defined therefore, by pointing to that sense of self that is experienced as a feeling or a thought; the feeling of anger or peace, sadness or happiness etc.  Exploration of these feelings in our body will lead us to the discovery of our real selves.  For example, actions that do not elicit the intended feelings from us would be an indication that we are not acting from our Real Self.  The Real Self "is the guidance system, that guidance that motivates much of our behavior and keeps that behavior on the appropriate path" (Masterson, 1998).

My True, Authentic Self is synonymous to Berne’s Autonomous Self.  According to Berne, an autonomous person would be one who takes responsibility for everything he or she feels, thinks and believes.  Such a person also either has or develops an ethical system for life - integrity.  Autonomy here is a not a one-stop event but a continuous process that involves the Adult objectively computing and integrating information from his/her Parent and Child in his decision making.  It is only through this continuous process of integration that the Adult stops from being simply an unfeeling data processing machine to being a person (an Integrated Adult) with feelings and ethics.  It is in the process of integration that he/she also acquires technical skills and abilities to use in the future.

We are all unique, special individuals.  The confirmation of our uniqueness can only become evident if we express our Real Selves.  As Masterson, (1988) puts it, “The Real Self keeps us aware of our essential, separate, unique identity and allows us to adapt creatively to changing situations so that we can continue to express the continuity and uniqueness of our identity and feel ‘real’”.  One’s real self is that core self within us that remains the same from one experience to the other.  It is that place from where we recognise that we are worthwhile, competent and that we are “not immune to suffering but capable of withstanding them and growing because of them” (Masterson, 1988).

My True Self exists in the feelings and thoughts that come and go in me; it truly exists when I express these feelings without any filters.  Yet, if I have to live with integrity and still feel authentic, I recognise the need to filter some of these thoughts and feelings through my Adult, to accommodate the feelings of my environment and others.  By consciously integrating the feelings and welfare of the environment and others while connecting to and acting from my own feelings I continue to live authentically.  My integrating Adult does not simply adopt the ways of thinking, feeling and behaving from my Cultural and Critical Parent but consciously questions its injunctions and beliefs and accepts only those that “sit” well with me.  It also allows my creative Child to activate my Adult mind to create whatever is beautiful and enterprising for myself and the universe.

My True Self continues to evolve with every experience.

References

Berne, 1972, What do you say after you say hello?  The Psychology of Human Destiny. Transworld Publishers Ltd, London

Masterson, J F, 1998, The Search for the Real Self, Unmasking the Personality Disorders of our Age, The Free Press, A Division of Simon & Schuster Inc. New York

Growing Old Elegantly & With Vitality

I was recently asked the following question: “What age would you consider someone to be old”.  My answer was and still is, “one is as old as they think and feel”.  My audience then thought my answer and perception in life was childlike and someone even commented that she feels 13 and might just start considering herself 13 years old!

What I didn’t do then was explain what I meant by, “one is as old as they think and feel”.

What does it mean to be old?  Who would be consider as old?  A 2 year old thinks her parents, even when they are as young as 18, are old.  Some 40 year old ladies believe they are old and consider their parents of maybe 60 and above very old.  They hate the wrinkles that have started showing up on their faces and necks and the thought of getting as old as their parents causes anxiety and panic in them.  They are afraid they will catch all the diseases and physical deformities commonly associated with old age – the body wrinkles, the bent back, the wobbly legs, alzheimers etc.

But is this really true?  Does all these diseases and/or physical ailments and deformities automatically come with old age?  How come some people, (and I'm sure you know quite a few), are still very healthy and active at 80 while others look decrepit and wasted at 40?  What is the secret of those who are still elegant, vigorous, hearty and active at 80+?  Could it be the environment they grew up in and/or the environment they now live in?  Could it be their family background or could it just be their personal interpretation of their experiences in life?

Family upbringing and interpretation of life experiences appears to be a more plausible explanation for differences in the way we grow old.   There also appears to be a link between growing old with vitality and one’s life script.

Eric Berne, (1972) suggested that vitality in old age depended heavily on the individual’s life script.  While a person’s physical health and constitutional robustness can be other strong factors that determine the person’s life span, their life script always plays a key role in how active and robust they are in old age.  A crippling illness may be unavoidable but it is welcomed without any resistance, mental or otherwise, because of a script that says the individual can overcome anything.  On the other hand, a debilitating illness like a stroke can also be welcomed as a permanent situation that cannot be overcome for the simple reason that it clears the individual from the unconscious compulsion of following their script.

People with open-ended scripts could easily start vegetating at the age of 40.  People who, for example, take an early pension might have a script that says “Work hard and don’t take any chances” with a pay-off that states “After that, give up” (Berne, 1972).  Such people do not know what to do with their lives after they have achieved this script.  Berne (1972) believed a double-ended script worked better for continuity and robustness into old age.  If someone had an implied or stated injunction from both parents with one taking off where the other ended, it is much more likely that there will be a positive progression and vitality into old age.  For example, a non-verbal injunction from mum that says, “you can’t have a life of your own until you’ve raised 3 kids” with another from dad that says “you can be and do whatever you put your mind to after you’ve raise all your kids”, will give the individual the permission to remain active and robust right into old age.

What is your script saying to you?  What do you think or believe will happen when you grow old?  Do you believe you will be alive and active at 80, 90 or even a 100 and be happy and healthy?  If not, why not?  It’s time to challenge those beliefs about aging!  Give yourself permission to grow old elegantly and with vitality.  Give yourself permission to enjoy life to the fullest!